Accidental Occurences and Idle Musings

Too much energy expensed....

2011-06-25T01:21:00.002-05:00

I really sometimes don't want to care so much, push, and expect better things. It can be quite frustrating to think that your level of expectation for what want and what you feel your deserve might be too high??

Either you want to be with me or not- so you better start acting like the former or at least tell me the latter.

Life's Delete Button

2011-04-26T00:28:00.002-05:00

....friend....I agree with you. I wish life had a delete button too- especially if that meant we could go back to normal and not have to avoid each other, and have that uncomfortable twinge of the awkward, of the things that we dare not say....for saying would be like ripping off a scab or unplugging a leak in a dam......

Hmmmm

2011-03-27T11:51:00.000-05:00

I need to start posting in this thing more----story time! :)

Miscommunication

2011-02-22T19:37:00.002-05:00

Some people need to realize that the hateful words they say one day, will come around and bite them hard in the ass.....or ballsack.

2010-11-09T00:47:00.003-05:00

There just are some days where I feel like I waste my time on some people....and I don't mean acquaintances or casual friends- I mean people who are supposed to mean the most to me. It is one thing to be busy with work and all that, I understand, but it is a totally different thing to have that get in the way of your life- and essentially make you a non-factor- and sometimes that is how I feel. You have become a non-factor. I just talk to you at the end of the day and even at that- I somehow feel it is forced, not sincere. And that feeling is further reinforced when you talk to others more at ease and for a longer time than you do with me.......

.....what to do about you my non-factor.

2010-09-30T02:15:00.000-05:00

Been a while- but one thing that amuses me today- people who will rip apart a sport that they do not like, and then the next day become ardent supporters of that same sport.....

....hmm...

Love and...

2009-04-17T18:07:00.002-05:00

Call me a blasphemer or whatever- but I'm really starting to doubt this social institution we call Marriage- why do you have to get married? I mean, to be honest, its just signing a document and saying yep- we are legal recognized as a unit. So why do you have to have a paper to say that? Now, I know that this view is not shared by my partner, but damnit. This is what I think.

On another note- I also get deathly afraid of losing the independence and freedom I have now- it's almost as if people buy into the social construction of marriage and "change" after they get married (ok, I can think of a few cases where this isn't true...but those are far and few between). Previously independent women get married- and fall into the mold of the wife- the stereotypical role, I must add. And of course, things aren't made easier when all the people around you are getting married............bah- why?

My Bad Habit....

2009-03-23T06:51:00.006-05:00

I am decided that my worst habit is that I do not hide the mood I'm in....... I have decided that this is a bad thing to others, not necessarily myself.

Also, on a side note, there is a point at which I get frustrated with adjusting and adjusting and making changes- how far do you bend and mold a person until they break...and I can tell you, in my resistance to breaking- I crack open- I vent my frustrations....and then realize that I'm not getting sympathy....

on the verge...

2009-02-17T11:58:00.002-05:00

do you ever have the feeling that you are on the verge of something, but not sure what? I have this odd twitch, itch, twinge that just keeps telling me something is about to happen but I'm clueless as to what....

What a way to start a Phd!!

2008-12-14T15:38:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm sitting in the Syracuse airport ready to go home. And I"m ready to go home....

BUT with that said, I have had an amazing time in Syracuse, met some amazing friends- who are as close to me as family- and have met someone amazing- and I've learned many lessons- if you have to convince yourself about something- it's not worth it- PhD is a process, and you have to be patient- you will always have roadblocks to what you want to achieve- how badly you want to achieve something is determined by how hard you want to work to reduce those obstacles.

Well- those are my thoughts for now- heading on the plane in about 20 minutes- more reflection might come- but really- I am at a good place in life and could't feel any more happy and content with things :)

Yes, I am alive--

2008-11-06T10:32:00.000-05:00

more than alive- i've been too busy living life (as a human and as a phd student) to update- this is my obligatory "I haven't forgotten about this blog" post :)

Insomniacic* Ramblings

2008-09-30T01:28:00.005-05:00

One Question: Are we just prolonging the inevitable collapse of our economic system? Passing the buck to the Next (my) generation?

Unfortunately, I do believe that we are just prolonging the inevitable depression that will come. There is a need to revolutionize our economy- and politics. Our economy has followed the path of endless accumulation for too long- endless accumulation without real fiscal assets to back it up. We trade in credit and debt. All we need now is China to call us on our debt.

What I would not give to sit in the public gallery when Congress is in session, and harangue our lawmakers for their petty childishness: "STOP BLAMING EACH OTHER- YOU ARE BOTH TO BLAME!!! And then be arrested for not maintaining decorum. At least I would have a clear conscience. And of course, the alternative is to write a letter to my senator/rep- but I know how that will end up- opened by an intern, read, and filed, with a standard return: "The Senator appreciates your letter of concern..." This is OUR democracy, excuse me, Republic- paying lip service to make you FEEL as if your voice/opinion can make a difference or change. But what should I have expected- our Founding Fathers created this political system to prevent the tyranny of the majority- aka the unlanded masses- to favor the (tyranny) of the minority- wealthy, landed gentry.

So as you can tell- I'm frustrated- the economic situation we are in now has had its symptoms since 1999- what we did not learn is that you cannot base value and worth upon intangible items/goods/consumables/commodities- dot.coms (in that case), credit (today).

Screw this, I'm moving to Canada.

On another note- if he can't be president, can we at least make Ron Paul some kind of economic advisor?? (Yeah, I know its from Fox News, but Ron Paul wasn't really interviewed by too many people)

And here Ron Paul schools Bernanke- now I can't say I agree with Austrian Economics- well, maybe in Domestic affairs, but it is a system that requires COMPLETE free markets- which, as seen from history, is not possible.

*Yes, I did make up my own word- ha.

Ramadan

2008-09-01T09:18:00.005-05:00

Today marks the first day of Ramadan, and I have made the decision to observe- as a way to learn more (through experience (There is only so much you can read from books....)) about Islam and as a sign of solidarity, but also a way to re-center myself spiritually.

Just in one day's time of fasting - I feel a greater awareness about my conduct in the world and my conduct with others. The whole month of Ramadan is a time of greater reflection and prayer- and certainly- I feel those effects.

When I feel hungry- I begin to think of those who go hungry for days on a normal basis. About the current food crisis we have, the environmental destruction of corporate farming, and the human cost of the same.

When I feel thirsty- I remember those who have to walk miles each day to procure the water they need for their daily meals, or stand in lines to have access to a clean drinking source, or even those who are forced to drink water that is inadequate.

And when I feel the temptation to break the fast- I realize how weak I am, vain, and selfish. That God provides the strength, will, and compassion that I need. I also think about the times I have been too headstrong, stubborn, prideful.... And realize that all that I have is because of God.

Ramadan Kareem !

Damn you Derrida!

2008-08-23T21:00:00.002-05:00

You know you might be a little out of touch with the thought processes of other people when, in the course of writing the curriculum for a women's leadership conference- with a section entitled "How and When to Challenge the Culture" you want to write about postmodern feminism and deconstruction.

Damn you Derrida!!

Random Thoughts When Waiting for my Laundry to get Done

2008-08-20T22:36:00.002-05:00

* I'm anxious for school to start- I feel my brain has rotted over the summer.
* I'm scared about starting over- new place, new school, new degree
* I'm excited about this new opportuity.
* I'm worried I might get sick by the beginning of classes (boo!)
* I'm wondering what this random smell is- it smells like something mechanical/burning.
* I'm having a splitting headache- I hope it's not allergies.
* I'm going to be the uncouth person to hoard free food for the next week.
* I have a lot of stuff to do.
* Will I get paid in time to pay my rent?
* When am I getting that refund check......?
*Why is my laundry taking so bloody long...?
*SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

THE CHRONICLES OF THE GREAT MIGRATION NORTH- The story of a Misplaced Texan

2008-08-12T08:07:00.001-05:00

When I first moved to Virginia, I thought, hey, no problem, Virginia is still in the south- I could still get sweet tea and Dr. Pepper, but the friendliness of Texas just was not matched. So now, here I am in New York.

The drive up from D.C. was gorgeous, but, I realized what a change this would be for me when I crossed the proverbial Mason-Dixon line between Maryland ad Pennsylvania. I have to admit, I shed a few tears. Good bye my beloved Sunny South. Hello dreary winters and God knows what else- the North.

On the way up, I stopped for a 30 minute tour of Gettysburg- after getting lost- so that put me a bit behind, but it was still nice to go and see Seminary Ridge, where my great great great grandfather got shot (wounded). Again, making me realize how deep my roots in the south go- he was a Confederate soldier with the 8th Louisiana.

But I kid- I really am not that hardcore of a Southerner- I just realize that this move to Syracuse might be even more of a culture shock than the move to Blacksburg, VA. I have yet to see- I have my TA orientation today. (woo………) On the up-side- there will be free food- and I might even be the uncouth person that brings tupper ware (hey! I have no food at home yet and still have to figure out where the grocery store is!)

More chronicles in my journey will follow later. For now, enjoy installment one. (And also, better internet connection that I am not having to steal....God willing....)

Two Years

2008-08-03T08:06:00.004-05:00

I am approaching my two year mark here in Blacksburg, and as I do, I also approach the end of my time here. I have to say that there was a part of me that was going to miss it here- but then again, there are parts of me that are realizing that I am really outgrowing this place.

For the first year I was here, I mostly spent it missing home and my friends back in Texas. Yet, I met some of the most amazing people I know. It was a hard first year- between really moving far from the familiar, leaving behind people who really knew and understood me- and starting a relationship that in retrospect, proved to be a cause for so much of my poor reflection on Blacksburg and Virginia Tech.

During my second year here, I really made a bond with the people in my program and came to realize who my real friends here were- those who knew me best- and did not judge me for my inadequacies. I feel that my second year at Tech was a bit of a liberation for me and a slow reassertion of who I was. April 11, 2008 was a bit of a D-Day of sorts and a culmination of that reassertion- and taking back of my own life, after so much emotional and psychological abuse.

This summer has perhaps been the best time I have had here in Blacksburg- the slower pace, the ability to hang out and meet with more friends- has certainly been a nice change of pace. And of course- finding out what it really means to be appreciated and cared for also helps brighten the days all that much more. :)

My time at Virginia Tech has definitely been a learning experience. At this time last year, I don't think I realized this (actually, I distinctly remember crying about the fact I was coming back to Blacksburg.....). Lessons to carry on in life- and into my new beginnings in Syracuse.

:)

2008-07-09T08:01:00.001-05:00

It is true what they say- always keep your mind and heart open- because you don't know what will happen if you do- and take a chance.... :)

Blood Runs Cold

2008-06-29T23:00:00.003-05:00

I have never experienced what it feels like for your blood to run cold- except when I have been scared out of my wits- until tonight. This time, it was a sensation that stayed with me and didn't leave- it pierced down to my bones and knawed at my marrow. It made my heart thud against my sternum and left me short of breath- it made me feel alone- yet calloused.

...and please note I did not congratulate you- there is nothing to congratulate when all you did is roll over and play dead.

The Feminist Male

2008-06-14T10:05:00.003-05:00

I truly have a respect for men who are not ashamed to make the claim that they are feminist. But then there are those that may not necessarily claim to be feminists, but claim to be progressive thinkers on women's issues- and prove to be anything but.

In my mind- they are public enemy number one for all women. They are men who claim to respect women, yet throw them away with each day's trash. They are the ones that claim to break the patriarchical structure, yet saddle women with the yoke of that oppression.

I am not saying that there cannot be feminist males, but rather, an understanding of what is means to be "progressive" on women's issues- what does it mean to have the lived experience of being a women- and understanding that there is a diversity of women's experiences and how they interpret and interact with their perceptions of reality.

Random Thought at 3 in the Morning

2008-06-13T02:04:00.001-05:00

I have always found it slightly tragic/odd/whatever when someone's parents are infinitely cooler than they are- it makes you wonder what happened along the way......

2008-06-04T23:37:00.001-05:00

Oh to rectify mistakes- chances not taken and risks unwisely chosen- making the worse decision of two set before you. grr...

My Fathers, My Brothers, and My Uncles

2008-05-28T10:38:00.003-05:00

This is a bit late, but here are my reflections from this past Memorial Day. The 5th since the war in Iraq started, the 5th, to see over 4,000 lost.

I come from a family that has served our country in its time of greatest need- grandfathers that fought in the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, World War II. They have risen to the cause when it was needed most.

I reflect on my dad and my brother- both currently serving in the military, and my fears that my brother could be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan- yet his complete willingness to go.

And then I worry about the failed trusteeship of our elected leaders. They use the military at will without regard for the consequences- the post-war effects of combat, stress, and loss- the loss of time and your buddies who stand next to you in battle. The attitude of their expendability- yet the other talk of "we support our troops"- but won't enact a bill to ensure their families aren't on welfare or that they have the proper equipment in the field of battle.

Just as I thought things were going to be dull

2008-05-21T15:51:00.002-05:00

....they get interesting again.

So I was lamenting the fact that Blacksburg in the summer can be boring and dull- it actually isn't that bad. The weather is great, so you can walk everywhere- and people are more relaxed- not putting up fronts about why they can't do something or hang out. And for me, it is a wonderful nice, quiet break from academia and the full-on assault of my impending PhD.

Blacksburg in the summer is quite an expected suprise.

Brooding Thoughts Late on Friday Night

2008-05-17T00:30:00.002-05:00

There are many things that I'm mulling over tonight (after watching a VERY weird movie- don't see Perfume unless you are into really weird movies). So it's hard to know where to start or where to go from this sentence.

Blacksburg actually is turning out to not be that bad. I am somewhat bored, but really, that is when I have had time to think and am not running around doing work for the CT or trying to find a second summer job. I've been able to talk more at ease with people and catch up with people I had been acquainted with and had always wanted to get to know better. I want to plan all these things, and then I realize I'll be leaving to go home in a few days and when I get back it'll be June- and then only two months before I move to Syracuse. I have a feeling that time is going to fly.

Another thing that I have been contemplating is at what point do you become a passive obeserver of a friend's dispassionate surrender and acceptance of fate- a fate that deep down you know they could tempt and change, but they have no courage to stand on their own two feet- literally and figuratively. (and courage, I mean in the loosely defined sense- not just a "standing up for yourself" but entailing many things to bearing a burden to acknowledging and accepting the task you take upon yourself). There is only so many encouraging words to say, and in the end, you become frustrated and angry- for caring too much and perhaps loving too much as well. On one hand you care and want what is best for your loved ones- but at the same time you realize that at some point there is going to be the moment of truth- loaded with expectations- and there is really nothing else you can do but become an observer.

Perhaps on one hand, I believe deep down inside that this "moment of truth" can become a turning point- the decision to take it upon yourself to make a change. The start for making all the necessary changes and decision to proceed forward and "right the ship" so to speak. But that is a lofty expectation- if that has not been the case in the past. I expect something that is not going to happen- that there is going to be this grand epiphany where everyone involved is going to back away, give space, and allow for the more important decisions and tasks to be accomplished- will be done. But if you have lived your whole life not being clear about what you need to do or about your doubts and fears, or clear in your communications- that is not going to change overnight and that epiphany will not happen. And it may never change. That is the other side of the coin of a "moment of truth"- surrender, acceptance, defeat.

It is frustrating to see this kind of thing happen in front of you and not being able to do anything about it.

On a side note, I want to go to Bonnaroo- but its 200+ dollars :( BUT i would get the concert-goingness out of me. They have an amazing lineup: http://www.bonnaroo.com/artists.aspx.

We shall see- 4 days of concerts would be pretty kick ass.

Nicknames

2008-05-13T22:52:00.004-05:00

There are several nicknames friends of mine have made up (for those special people in our lives) that I must share. For those who know what they mean, they are funny. For everyone else- remain clueless.

Trout-mouth, WAD, WMD, Mr. Invertebrate

Identity Crisis

2008-05-12T23:52:00.002-05:00

I someday fear that I will be on a crash course for an identity crisis. My customized adds that appear urge me to send money home (to Texas??) and to write in my "native Indic script" (chicken-scratch??).

I find it all rather amusing actually. But a little weird that google, blogspot, and facebook follow my computer usage and search words enough to get that kind of information on me.

An Ajoinder

2008-05-12T23:50:00.002-05:00

To add to the previous post, Leo Tolstoy writes, in the beginning of Anna Karenina, and I feel that it is an apt summation of what I was aiming for: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Families are Families, no matter where you are

2008-05-09T00:36:00.003-05:00

After reading the umpteenth blog written by an Indian, discussing the relationship of Western families as compared to Indian families, I am really perturbed by this assumption that "family and friends comes second" in Western families. Do they know any Westerners? or are they just picking and choosing the characterizations and subsequent case studies that they wish to to back up their case??? Do they recognize that the relationship that children in the West have with their parents is far different than the relationship Indian children have with their parents? I would challenge anyone that thinks Westerners put family and friends second to meet my friends and my family- they will tell you differently. In my mind, my friends are part of my family (I never miss a chance to introduce my friends to my family)!

I am blessed with a family that understands me, and trusts me, and wants what is best for me, and gives me the freedom to explore, mess up, make mistakes and learn. I can't think of a time I have had to compromise anything in my life because I talk things out with my parents and let them know the things I am thinking and the course of action I want to take. My parents are like any other parents- they worry if I will get married, have kids, get a job. But they also realize that this journey is my journey. Whatever decisions I make or course of action I make, the faults will be mine, but the successes will be the result of my work but also that of my friends and family.

I would not argue that I have been raised in an individualistic nature. Individualistic is far different than Independent. One infers a competitive state of nature, devoid of deep relationships with others. The latter, independent, infers the ability to make decisions and carve a specific identity for yourself, but still have deep connections to family, home, friends, and the world. It is that recognition of your self and the multiplicity of your identity and role in relation to others. Social interaction shapes and changes your identity and forms a sense of who you are. To claim that you are far removed from these social interactions fails to comprehend how vital these relations are in forming our sense of self.

Obituaries and Biographies

2008-04-17T09:25:00.001-05:00

After reading some lately- I don't think I ever want one written- some of them are just so badly written.

Philosophy of Social Science

2008-04-15T09:02:00.003-05:00

I lament the fact that people do not see history as a Hegelian procession -like a river- you cannot view the events of the past through the lens of today. You can, however, deconstruct it through a historical lens via an archeology or genealogy (hurray Foucault!) There is a sore lack of appreciation for social science theory and philosophy (alas!)

I write this little brief rant because I read a piece on DailyKos discussing Native American history that devolved into a discussion of how Native Americans had slaves. Well- Duh! Some of them did, as did many ancient and not so ancient civilizations. But, in the time period they were studying, it was mostly as a means for the Cherokee, specifically, to show how "white" they were, in the hopes that they would not be removed off of their lands. In the end, it turned out to merely be a continuation of the "modernization" of the Cherokees so that they appear "civilized" (sadly, I believe that this rhetoric and subsequent actions are still largely the prevalent model for development, as imposed by Western countries on the Third World. But I digress).

So yes, if you are going to produce critical history and comment on it, please please please, try to understand it through a historical lens- not your own.

Thick Skulls

2008-04-07T23:03:00.002-05:00

For some reason, it always seems that the lessons that we need to learn the most, and the quickest, are also the same mistakes that we keep making. It is so difficult to learn from mistakes- and not make them again and again. Each time, you feel more worn out and more dense for not learning the first time. The conditioned response does not seem to form, despite numerous trials....successive learning events....and successive negative outcomes when learning is not completed.

And its finally when you hit the bottom that you realize the past mistakes that you have made over and over and it weights like a great rock in your heart- choking you and making it difficult to breath- causing you to be dizzy, as if hit with a great realization that your mind can't make sense of.

I am a human.

2008-04-05T19:54:00.002-05:00

Philosophical Ponderings on the (Mis)Treatment of Animals (Humans) and subsequent (Re) Actions (A Poem of Questions)

Do you remain silent, in steely resolve? Or do you raise a hand to block the hand that strikes you? Or do you succumb, and become less human with each act of degradation?

And what if the other person doesn't share your same sense of what respect means? are you at an impasse? do you have but two options to choose from? continue...or.....?

Jesus Christ said turn the other cheek- but how many cheeks can you turn?

New Beginnings

2008-03-27T16:57:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting in the airport in Roanoke, getting ready to head to Syracuse, and I can't hlep but think that this is a new beginning. Technically, the "new start" won't really start until August, but the wheels are already in motion- and there are too many emotions going on to think and process effectively- sadness, happiness, anticipation, sorrow, melancholy, joy, questioning, reluctance, rinse, wash, and repeat.

The one thing you hear over and over is how change can be scary- is it really scary? or is it just we let our emotions and cognitions get the better of ourselves?

I am very excited about the prospects offered by Syracuse, but I still feel immense sadness about the people I'll leave behind and the changes that have occurred in my life since coming to Blacksburg- time will only tell.

Awareness

2008-03-21T22:59:00.003-05:00

So the VT police sent out another message (I would say the 3rd or 4th this semester) about another incident involving students. Was this a orblem before? or is this something new?

I would like to think of it more as "awareness." It is not that Blacksburg is "unsafe," if you look at sheer statistics on "violent" crime, but there are those concerns that always happens with a college town. We aren't talking Grand Theft Auto or Murder or Armed Robbery- we are talking about a quick assault and a dash into the dark. Of course, those are the incidents that don't make it into national statistics, so yes, Blacksburg will continue to appear "safe."

I'm not a person to be paranoid, but at the same time, I also don't assume that every place I go is "safe." You have to have a certain degree of comfort and familiarity with a place. I still feel Blacksburg is in my "safety" zone, but at the same time, Washington Heights at 2 am is also still in my safe zone. It's relative.

And of course, it is a college town- the rate of crime is going to underreported and the numbers fudged to represent the quaint college town that mom and dad would not have a problem dropping off their little darling for the first far away from home.

Work, ADD, and other random things I will write about while under the influence of sugar and caffeine!

2008-03-11T22:28:00.002-05:00

I don't think I spelled caffeine right...hmm I guess i did...it didn't show up with a red squiggly line.

OK- so I had a rather unproductive day- I did some reorganization of the paper and then basically let everything distract me to no end (and for once, Facebook was NOT the destraction). I have an overwhelming urge to go somewhere...now. I hear South Africa is nice or even Ukraine (is there a the in front of that? is it like THE Netherlands???? These are questions of grave importance I guess I should be trying to answer, being in International Affairs and all...)

Oh and I found a funny word from urban dictionary- collateral misinformation- when someone gets the wrong information from wikipedia because someone has changed it to win an argument. Oh urban dictionary how I love thee.

Ok...enough random thoughts and all that- I have a bus to catch! WEEE SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Living with Other People

2008-02-27T09:26:00.004-05:00

So I figured it was about time I started an entry about this oh-so lovely topic. I live with three people, all female, and I can say that two of my roomates, I really like a lot. The last one...I can't FREAKIN' stand. I've come to realize how small things about a person can add up to a lot. I had never really had such problems with a roomate before. My freshman year, despite our different backgrounds and way of looking at the world, D'ann and I got along great! She remained a close friend of mine even when we were not rooming together anymore (and we weren't rooming together anymore because she moved off campus and I stayed on). My second roomate was the problem though. She was a BITCH and a TYRANT. I swear, I had to wonder if that girl ever left the fucking room. She really didn't bother me all that much because I was hardly ever in the room (I was taking 17 hours in the Fall and 16 in the Spring plus the RA course....and of course, I was heavily involved). But, when I was in the room, like at night- because lo and behold, this girl went to bed at 10pm.......WHO IN COLLEGE GOES TO BED AT THAT TIME???? I guess I was stupid and should have gotten the clue that she goes to bed that early- and doesn't wake up until 10 the next day. I had never known someone to sleep so much (well, I take that back...the Disliked Roomate sleeps alot). I tried to be nice to her and she responded like a bitch. I'm sure part of it would be that she would make a statement, and I would ask "well, why do you feel that way?" (I think my favorite was when

she said "Bush is a dumbass"
Me:"Ok thanks for stating the obvious, but why?"
Her response: "UGH! He just is"
Me: That's not going to win you any debates...

I admit, that was a bit of a smart ass thing for me to do......but hey, that's life. I think the main problem was that our personalities were so different. Somehow, deep down inside, I think she is a recovering Goth. It just struck me that way.

So we parted ways, and from then on out, the rest of my time at A&M, I lived in a single room, but I had suitemates, so it was a little like living in an apartment. My suitemate my senior year was amazing! She was funny, crazy, and just plain fun.

My roomates last year at VT were great. Tiffany is definitely missed! So now this brings me to my Disliked Roomate (DR). I thought DR and I would get along- she had had similar experiences to mine and she was studying in a related field. That's where they stop though. Homegirl obviously has not had responsibilty before. She was able to spend her undergraduate days galavanting around the world, which is nice, but then you tell other people they should do the same thing? Some of us have RESPONSIBILITIES! like jobs, school, and not enough money. I shudder to think that being a TA at VT is your first REAL work experience. (and please, teaching English in another country is NOT a job- and the people who hire you to do it know that, they know you are only doing it so you can travel to another country with a pretense). And when you talk about traveling, please don't act like no one else has done it. Dont' patronize me or talk down to my friends, especially since some of them have a hell lot more experience than you. (Especially, as I see it, you go to foreign countries, spend +1 month there, and don't even learn the language??? My Spanish is better than yours and FUCK you were in India in a program where you learn Hindi and you didn't even pick that up....are you really an "international" traveler or just an American tourist?) But yeah, Patronizing tone ANY time you talk to her. And it also shows when she'll come back from a hike and say "wow, you really should go.." Pardon me for the piles of book and computer I am sitting at doing WORK. You came to grad school to work and learn some professionalism. Are you just here to play? because I can tell you, that ain't going to get you a job, especially in your field (look at your loser no-personality boyfriend...what is he doing? working for Blacksburg???) Oh and my favorite is when DR made the comment "OH! someone's being domestic today!" the first time she saw me cooking at home. EXCUSE ME?!? Just because I am cooking a meal for myself does not mean I'm "domestic" i means I can provide and take care of myself, which is the least I can say for you (Yeah, do I need to remind you that the one attempt you had at cooking dinner, I ended up having to cook for you??) I really get annoyed with these "feminists" who think that cooking dinner, knowing how to do any so-called "domestic" tasks- makes you less of a "strong woman." Face the facts- you have to know how to do some of these things in life, otherwise you will end up asking for help all the time. And besides, as a feminist, I do advocate women being able to do all these things, not so much for their husband, but for themselves. (And honestly, if you can cook well, you can def. have control over your man).

So what else does Homegirl do? Does not lift a finger to help in the maintenance of the apartment (I actually think that this is where most of my ire perpetuates from)- I have never once seen her clean our bathroom or the living room, or even take out the trash for that matter. I think the worst was when right before Thanksgiving Break she and I said "ok, we're cleaning this this weekend." Guess who got stuck with it....yeah that's right...me. And who kept walking by and not offering to help, and even went as far as to idiotically say "oh wow, someone's on a cleaning spree!" Oh Bitch...no. And EVEN more did not even take the trash that was by the door out when she went to take a bag of trash from her room that wasn't even a quarter full (this brings me to another point- she has all these obnoxious "my carbon footprint is smaller than yours" type deals- WHY THE HELL are you throwing out a half-filled garbage bag....isn't that just making more trash (in the form of another plastic bag)- fucking hypocrites). So when Homegirl realizes I'm pissed, she comes up to me and says "I really appreciate you doing this.." FUCK no you don't. You just like the fact that someone else is doing it. To which I just looked at her and thought about what to say- be a bitch or be diplomatic. I think I took the middle road and said "yeah, hopefully it will stay clean" Her: (laugh that sounds like a damn cough (she does this alot when she talks and it sounds like she is hyperventilating and its annoying too)): Oh I'm sure it will.

Will it bitch? Last I checked, you aren't doing anything to make sure it stays clean. For some reason, more than any other roomate, this girl pisses me the hell off. I honestly think alot of it has to do with the maturity level- she's still a kid at the age of 23. I have no problem with acting immature and having fun, but I also realize there is a time and place for that.

Whew- rant over. I feel like punching her face now.

The God of Small Things

2008-02-15T15:20:00.005-05:00

More and more, I read people's facebook or blog or orkut that say one of their favorite books is The God of Small Things. And some of the people I know who have this book listed as their favorites I know hardly understand the nuances Arundhati Roy includes in this novel or fully grasp what exactly she is writing between the covers. Amazon's review states:

"In her first novel, award-winning Indian screenwriter Arundhati Roy conjures a whoosh of wordplay that rises from the pages like a brilliant jazz improvisation. The God of Small Things is nominally the story of young twins Rahel and Estha and the rest of their family, but the book feels like a million stories spinning out indefinitely; it is the product of a genius child-mind that takes everything in and transforms it in an alchemy of poetry. The God of Small Things is at once exotic and familiar to the Western reader, written in an English that's completely new and invigorated by the Asian Indian influences of culture and language."

What this fails to mention, however, is that Roy, herself, has been a prolific writer, mostly on issues of societal, cultural, and political concern. Some of these concerns are alluded to throughout the course of the novel. Environmental concerns are addressed in the manner in which she describes the pollution in the river, caused by pesticides bought with loans from the World Bank (also, in this addressing the impact of globalization on the environment), but also in the means of how she juxtaposes the life of the family with that of Velutha's- which is arguably more attuned with and at one with, nature.

The obvious "point" that people pull from this novel is the discussion of caste and the separation of people, whom love each other, because of this system. However, it is not so simplistic. It also concerns not only a division on caste, but also class, and societal affiliations. Velutha, an untouchable, laborer, with affiliations to the Communist Party, does not seem to mix with the idea of what the "respectable" Christian, middle class wants. It is not, then, just a caste issue. Overall, Roy is utilizing this family to critique the Christian community in Kerala, not just as a reiteration of what so many other writers have commented on in the past. To simplify her points to only being about caste neglects the complexity of the novel and the complexity of Roy's arguments on the positions she takes in real life.

The Amazon review states that this would be a great read and not hard to understand for English readers (read: Western readers) however, I would also argue that so much of the context and points of the story are lost because of the failure to fully understand and take into consideration the rich social fabric Arundhati Roy composes in this novel.

Perhaps, this can shed a little more light on who Arundhati Roy is and some of the issues she addresses within God of Small Things, in a way that weaves into a stirring story. In her own words, it is about power and power relations and her way of seeing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ2as-l_LSk&feature=related

Lost

2008-02-04T11:34:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have those days where you wonder what you are doing and how you got to where you are...and you just feel lost and don't know what to do next- yeah, i'm having one of those days. It just makes me wonder what I'm doing and if what I felt like is what I wanted to do all along, really what I want to do?

So yeah, there's always that cliche that life is a journey and sometimes you get lost- but damn, it does not feel good sometimes to be lost- and with no direction to home.

The Bloody Fucking Double Standard

2008-02-02T23:36:00.001-05:00

I don't ask for much, but there are certain things that when others expect them of me, I would hope they would do the same. For example, I like to study with music- but if someone comes over and I know they may not like studying to the music I like, I turn it off- or they turn it off themselves, and I make no protest. Go to their house and it is a totally different story- you want to watch some children's movie because you are thinking about your niece- ok...fine! BUT CAN'T YOU FUCKING WAIT UNTIL I LEAVE (which would be about 5 minutes later). The list goes on- you have a bad day-you are allowed that, but when I'm in a mood- it's as if I commit some crime- I know you are smarter than to make a comment that will further piss me off- seriously, if you think what I do is so easy, you do it. I've seen the way you write- you would have a hard time doing what I do- let alone understanding what I have to read- it's all relative my dear. Einstein was a great theorist on that- but it seems to have passed your notice.

Or...let's say, with blogs- you make damn well sure I read your blog, but I don't even think you give mine a passing glance...all the better for me I suppose- although a post like this may not be made public...or if it is...well.....you probably still wouldn't notice.

And please, don't play the martyr with me- it wiill not get you my sympathy nor win you any points...or leverage against me for that matter- whatever you have done in the past- hardly is made up for sometimes. And the fact you keep me dangling and make remarks that I can't stand- I make comments and it's as if I killed your mother (let's not mention when I say "your mom!"- as if it is worse than the disrespect you show your own mother sometimes. So please, don't lecture me.

Oh, and your two more years of life, certainly do not qualify you for anything special. And for someone who has seen more people in this world- you sure don't seem to be able to handle them well- or communicate- or get along with anyone. YOu were in Germany for a year and you only have 4 friends from that? and you are in Tennessee for 6 months, and do not make any friends but the people you live with? and then you place the blame on them- obviously, something is fucked up in your brain.

How much more can I write? Probably a novel. On nights like tonight, I just don't want to deal with you. I send you a message asking how your work is going, and you don't respond. Not my problem. I'll just go to friend's houses and see people that I feel would be more worth my while to see- while you wallow in your self-pity.

Happy Birthday to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

2008-01-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

In observance of his birthday, let us remember the struggle he engaged himself in, and know that while injustice and inequality still prevail, it will never be over. Until hate and ignorance are eradicated, we must not pause, we must not stop to work for freedom, understanding, and love for our neighbors and enemies.

And to remember Dr. King, the transcript of his most famous speech, given from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, another man who worked for greater equality and justice:

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.
Martin Luther King, Jr., delivering his 'I Have a Dream' speech from the steps of Lincoln Memorial. (photo: National Park Service)

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

I would tell you....but I might explode

2008-01-02T19:19:00.000-05:00

...Ok...this is the post where we find out how weird Bernie can be sometimes. I notice that whenever I am upset, writing helps me. If someone were to ever pick up my diary, they would think i'm either pissed off or depressed all the time (never mind that the dates maybe five months apart). I think giving "voice" to your feelings really does help with the catharsis of those emotions.

I think the weirdest thing I do is that when someone really upsets me, I start to write an email to them (dear Lord! not one that I actually intend to send!). It helps me, sometimes more than writing in my diary because it forces me to put more into context what I am thinking and my own actions. It temper me a bit, not only in my words, but in my thinking as well. But overall, it helps me to give voice to my frustrations when I can't say them directly to the person who is bugging me (either that is becuase they are not right there or out of phone contact or just not being communicative)....which, ultimately is usually a reason for the frustration- sometimes a simple yes, no, or how are you doing would be nice- and not really difficult to do.

Other than that, I play really loud Blood Brothers and jam out to that. Because angry music is the best way to soothe the beast in my mind. Rock 'n roll!

What are some of your ways of dealing with anger?

Happy New Year!!

2007-12-31T11:41:00.001-05:00

So ends 2007...it's been quite a year:

*finished my first year at Virginia Tech
*Went to India for three months
*Applied for PhD programs
*Started my thesis
*Traveled up and down the East Coast visiting friends
*New friends made, old ones kept
*Started the year in San Diego, and ending it in Dallas

There's been a lot more, but I can't really think of it right now :op

And I've never been one for making resolutions, but here are some things I would like to do in 2008:

1. Listen better- whether it is just to advice from friends or just keeping track of a conversation (I tend to let my mind wander)
2. Be more patient- try to make a better effort at understanding others and not letting the little things bother me.
3. Be Proactive on my Thesis- get 'er done.
4. Start looking for internships/jobs= because I have to do something during the summer.
5. Be better with my finances- start saving more.
6. And of course- not taking life too seriously (we all die anyways)

Insomnia

2007-12-29T02:36:00.000-05:00

What is a good cure for that....because alcohol doesn't seem to be helping.

Benazir Bhutto 1953-2007

2007-12-28T11:52:00.001-05:00

A brave women, who despite knowing what danger she was placing herself in, returned in the belief she would help build a better Pakistan.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T22:43:00.000-05:00

In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be enrolled. This was the first enrollment, when Quirin'i-us was governor of Syria. And all went to be enrolled, each to his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be enrolled with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to be delivered. And she gave birth to her first-born son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

And in that region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, "Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which will come to all the people; for to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom he is pleased!" When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us."

And they went with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they saw it they made known the saying which had been told them concerning this child; and all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

*Mark 2: 1-20*

I also feel great hope whenever I read this passage. It reminds me that there is good in the world, hope, and love. It also, to me, is a reminder of what it means to be a Christian. In his life, Christ reached out to the downtrodden, appearing first to lowly shepherds, taking on fishermen as disciples, and healing lepers. He kept company with the more unsavory elements of society: tax collectors, harlots, and collaborators with the Romans. I suppose if Jesus were here today, that would be a gay man, a single mother, and a drug addict. Jesus was a radical- he shook up the way society thought about G-- and the individuals relationship with H--. And his basic message was love. A point that sadly, I feel, is lost on many Christians today.

And the point too, is to not just keep this spirit and message only around the holidays, but all year long. And Christ's message is not one that is limited to Christianity; it has resonance for all faiths and religions worldwide- do unto others as you would have them do unto you; Love thy neighbor and enemy as you would love yourself; No greater love hath man than to lay down his life for a friend- all were preached by Christ, and all, have been echoed in other religions, preceding and following Christianity.

So with much love, faith, and hope, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas :)

Baby Boomers Owe Us an Apology??

2007-12-20T00:48:00.000-05:00

So I read this article recently. It was intersting, and I have to say that most of it, I found, to be a bit too conservative. However, there was one paragraph that stuck out, and it has pretty much been bothering me since:

"And, young women, we apologize especially to you. Many of us baby boomers bought into the feminist idea that getting married and making a family with a man were far less fulfilling than career success and that marriage itself is "sexist" and "patriarchal." So, to those of you women who have career success and didn't get married, we sincerely apologize. Turns out that most careers aren't as fulfilling as we promised."

Now most of you are probably thinking I take offense at this statement. Au contraire! Quite the opposite! I believe this sums up a fear I have, even more so now, as I attempt to take on getting into a PhD program.

Just some food for thought...chew on that for a bit.

If it weren't for A-'s...

2007-12-18T21:59:00.002-05:00

...i'd have a freakin' 4.0.

oh well....finished out the semester out well enough- on to the next (and the dreaded dum dum dum Thesis/Major Paper!) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Good to be Home

2007-12-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

So after a two hour delay in Chicago, I made it to Austin...only to find that one of my bags didn't even make it on the plane (how one made it, and the other didn't ...is beyond me) So it was supposed to be delivered by 4 pm today, but that didn't happen- apparently they got the address wrong, and after two calls, they still did not have it right. So anywho...still waiting for the luggage. Wouldn't be my life if it weren't interesting.

Events that happened just within one hour of waking up:

*discussions of my dad's nursing home (bottom of the ocean, or a back alley)
*full out dart gun battle between my dad and brother
*the dog getting in on the action
*being woken up by said dart guns and dog.
*being shunned and then unshunned
*dad dances to Shakira

And that's without mom and sister in the mix. It will be some kind of break...

....and i still do have work to do :op Oh well...i'll enjoy it for now :)

Another posting

2007-12-05T21:26:00.000-05:00

So I finally updated a post from October 31st...that just got posted today...and it says that it was posted on October 31st, so I just thought I would follow up with a post now....to make my blog "up to date."

I am ready to go home. Now. I want to see my dog, mom, and dad. But I have this bad feeling I'll go home and feel out of place. Sure, I have lots of people I know in Austin, but somehow, I don't feel like there is enough time to see all of them. I also want to go to DFW during the break, and hopefully be there for New Years :)

Right now, I'm starting to realize how difficult it is to go a day without talking to your best friend :( I always feel so sad that I really don't realize what I am missing until it's not there.

And on another note, as always, I'm writing in my blog, rather than working on schoolwork. My goal is to finish a paper for Dr. Toal, that way I can work on my damn survey project all day tomorrow. Hmm...what else.....oh and I finished PhD applications- I just need to call schools now and check up on my applications and make sure they are up to date. Woo!

Alright, back to work.

Lyrics for now: Brandi Carlile "Throw it All Away"

When you're near me I have no fear
When I'm untrue you see right through me
You know me as deep as the sea goes
Calm my head whenever the storm blows

When the stars, and the moon
And the sky, fall through

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is
I would throw it all away...away

In my restless hour I'm holding
The words you say that lay my soul to sleep
I dream of buildings that burn
The sky turns black I toss and turn

When the stars, and the moon
And the sky, fall through

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is
I would throw it all away...away

This love branches out like an oak tree
Reach for the sky and roots to the sea
So when you're shaken down and broken
Find some peace of mind in knowing

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is
I would throw it all away...away

Love is....

2007-10-31T16:17:00.000-05:00

Every so often, there is a small one frame cartoon that appears in the newspaper that has cherub-like naked characters, entitled "Love is..." and each day, there will be something like "Love is...choosing each other." What are the different types of love?

And of course in Catholic Sunday School, there is always the discussion of the different types of love agape, unconditional, I-would-die-for-you-no-questions-asked love or phileo- brotherly/sisterly/comradeship love...and then there was romantic love- get-married-have-kids-grow-old-together love. Funny how when you get older, these lines become blurred. I still believe that you can love people in different ways, but its not as clear cut as in Sunday school. Love is a complicated, all-consuming entity- it is not just a feeling or a flight of fancy. It is a bird that comes to make a nest in your heart.

The one thing that I did learn though, in Sunday school, and its not something that just is Christian, its universal, is that "Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1Corinthians 4-8. The love of our friends gets us up out of bed each day, even when every inch of us screams to not get up and start the day. Love is something that we cannot live without...

I think the favorite cartoon of mine I saw was "Love is...leaping into the unknown." And it is. You don't know what you will give, get, or lose in the process of falling in love and loving the other person. If I have learned anything, while you may sometimes get hurt, showing and exhibiting love to others is perhaps one of the most rewarding things in life- yet can also be one of the most vulnerable, exposing, soul-baring moments. I guess one of my fears in life is to one day turn around and realize that overnight, someone who loved me, no longer loves me- only because giving your love to another person is investing so much emotion and your own life into that person, whether they are a friend, sibling, family member, or significant other.

Now here is my attempt at a "Love is..." feel free to add your own in the comments section :)

"Love is...realizing that your life has been made better for knowing another person."

Song of the Random Day I decide that I'm Going to have a Song for the Day

2007-10-30T13:01:00.000-05:00

Mae definently is one of my favorite bands, and this song, is just amazing....as are the lyrics :)

Home
by Mae

I've been sneaking out your back door
since I can't remember when
and thinking about the world I didn't know
and how I wanted in
but now I find I'm in the thick of it
and feeling so alone
I'd take the chance
just one more chance to get me anywhere
It's like I'm running down every road but home

I know I'm running and I'm moving too fast
so here we go, oh
and where I'm heading to it's nobody's guess
so here we go, oh
so here we go, oh

I saw the map like any other would
looking to find and follow lines
that led me to question
but I can see it in the symmetry
it's what was really always meant to be
this singularity is clear from a distance
so I'm dying here to fall in love with home

I know I'm running and I'm moving too fast
so here we go, oh
and where I'm heading to it's nobody's guess
so here we go, oh
so here we go, oh

Staring into mirrors
lost in my design
believe in dreams and wait for signs
you will always find me when I run away
so I will not slow down until I make it back into your arms this time, oh

I know I'm running and I'm moving too fast
so here we go, oh
and where I'm heading to it's nobody's guess
so here we go, oh

I know I'm running and I'm moving too fast
so here we go, oh
and where you're headed to you don't have to guess
so here we go, oh

I'm headed home, oh
I'm headed home, oh

This Post Has Been Rated for Adult Content

2007-10-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

I've never been one to be Afraid of the future, but I have, certainly, had my doubts and anxieties about what it holds. Of all things to cross my mind, besides the overall question of where I will be come May of 2008 and whether or not I will be going for a PhD or scrounging to find a job, was just when did childhood, teenage-dom, and the early twenties give way to real life? When did we or will we grow up? There are times, given the things I have had to deal with in my life, that I feel much older (not in the ugh i'm old sense)/wiser than my 23 years of age...and then there are other times that I just feel as if I have been left behind, and those I went to high school or college with me, are leaving me behind- getting jobs, married, and even kids! The thought of even being a mother in 7 years has me a little apprehensive. I do wonder how my parents were able to do it. My dad confided to my sister and I once that it made no difference, whether it was me, my brother, or my sister, and then my other brother, he felt completely lost and inadequate for the task of raising a kid (and this was when he was 28, 30, 33, and 37, respectively). I never asked my mom about this. She seems to just take things in stride. But....bah...enough about kids. That's a long way in the future.

I know that for me to ultimately do what I want to do, I need to get a PhD, but, on the other hand, I have this overwhelming feeling that I am going no where while I sit in a classroom and do assignement only meant to keep me busy until the final term paper due at the end of the semester. At least, some of my very close friends are still in grad school, so that makes it a little bit easier to deal with the fact that I'm slogging in grad school, but at the same time, come this May, more of my close friends graduate and go into the real world. There are times I just think enough is enough, no PhD, get a job. And then hate said job. And wonder, why I didnt get a PhD. It's a vicious cycle!

So overall, this random rambling and general pondering comes to this: we all develop and grow at different rates. Now some of you may be thinking "No Duh Bernie...really????" But sometimes you have to state the obvious. Certainly, it puts some things in perspective when your friends from high school are married and having kids, but it is also a perspective that makes you realize where you are at in your own life- marriage and children really don't fit into the life plan right now. Eventually, they will, just not now.

But how fast time goes by just floors me...it just seems to get faster each year. Yesterday, I was driving a van up to Virginia Tech, moving out of the state of Texas for the first time in 18 years. Before that, I was sitting on the back porch of the Chicken drinkin' Shiner and playing 42, and before that, I was a wide-eyed freshman at A&M, meeting the girls of Davis-Gary...and before that high school shenanigans and IB (the death of any social life for a high schooler), and before that, playing with My Little Ponies and GI Joes with my brother (with the GI Joes riding the Ponies into battle).

And funny, as I finish this post, on my Itunes, "Long Time Gone" by the Dixie Chicks is playing...how apt....

"I caught wind and hit the road runnin
And lord, Ive been a long time gone

Been a long time gone
Lord, I aint had a prayer since I dont know when
Long time gone
And it aint comin back again"

World's Laziest Blogger

2007-10-24T22:32:00.001-05:00

That should be my award.

Lesson Learned:

2007-10-23T17:15:00.000-05:00

Just because you make an effort to understand another person, culture, or way of life, does not mean same people will make an effort to understand yours.

The Psychology of Happiness

2007-10-05T08:31:00.000-05:00

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/97

Perhaps, this is why our generation is so confused and conflicted! We have too many choices and wondering, once the decision is made, if we made the right one or not. Interestingly too, we may not make the best decision if we deliberate on and o. I'm currently reading "Blink" and its proving to be a very interesting read. Essentially, the more information or more choices that we have...the more likely we are to make a decision that is not in our best interest...or will make us unhappy.

NEW YORK...er...New Jersey...or my spontaneous moment of the week

2007-09-25T08:40:00.001-05:00

So...what happens when someone plants an idea in my head, and I can't get it out? Ask Bala about that one.

I'm minding my business, watching the Aggies (you know, this weekend had made me forget about that game...) and being fairly disappointed, AND, at the same time, writing a horrid paper for Dr. Toal's class, when I get a message from Bala.

The conversation went roughly like this:
Bala: Dude, come to NYC.
Me: ...I'm intrigued....but why don't you guys come here??
Bala: (something New York being cooler...whatever, blah blah blah) So yeah, you should come here.
Me: Let's see..........(5 minute pause while I check kayak) ok...I'm coming.
Bala: Ok.......wait....what? You just booked tickets..
Me: Yes.
Bala: And you are going to be here tomorrow.
Me: Yes.
Bala: Spaced out.

I proceeded to call Subash and Heather and let them know, and they were surprised, but I think, at the same time, a bit expectant that I would do something this spontaneous and impulsive.

Friday was a bit of a whirlwind, between classes, packing, catching the bus to the airport, and landing in NYC. Luckily, the flight to NY didn't take as long as it seemed; someone else I knew from Virginia Tech was also going to New York for the weekend, so she and I sat near each other and talked (the flight was pretty damn near empty).

Well, I land in LaGuardia, and I call Subash to let him know that I landed....and no answer...hrm....I think...well..I proceed to baggage claim, and lo and behold there is Mr. Subash Srinivasan. So we grab the luggage and through a series of busses and trains, get to Times Square! Subash works for Ernst and Young, and the office is right off of Times Square, so as you can see from the picture...the view is amazing.

From there, we went and met Bala in the village and started a long night of imbibing and debauchery, well into the morning. There are still some moments from that night that are coming back to me....I do remember now saying some not so nice things to the cabby in Hindi...because he was trying to get more money out of us for some reason. Whatever.

The next day, went and had some good South Indian food at Dosa Hut, but it was a shame that I could not enjoy it more- I was a bit blegh in the stomach...but that is expected after the night we had. The afternoon consisted of just random things and then going to Bala's. Bala cooked some excellent sambar, and from his place, he and I went to a couple of parties in Manhattan. The first one was kind of lame (no lie) and so we were only there for about an hour, and proceeded to a party at a lounge. This was a kickass party! It was right off Times Square on a rooftop terrace. We stayed out pretty late and then went back to Jersey. By this point, I was starting to become nocturnal.

Sunday mostly consisted of random errands and events (a cookout- with excellent food :) ) and getting ready for the work week (well...that wasn't me...because we all know how I work...). Later that evening, I took a train up to Upper Manhattan, and met with Heather and Nathan!! It was great to see them and spend time with them. On Monday, I met Bala for lunch...went to Central Park to read, and then hung out with Heather and Nathan around Columbia. Columbia was having some intersting things going on that day, as the Iranian president was there to give a speech. So naturally, there were a lot of cameras, protestors, and the crazies. I got interviewed by some journalism students doing a project. I'm a star now. Look for me on CNN someday.

So this morning, I caught a taxi and booked it to LGA. And when I got back, I just crashed for three hours. It was glorious. So now, I'm trying to get some schoolwork done. I'm amazed at the amount of work I didn't do this week....and the suprising amount of time it has taken me to get some of it done. I guess when I am under stress I just focus more....so yeah...and in three days, I'm leaving to go to Purdue!

Overall, it was an amazing weekend.....great to see old friends again, who made this such an amazing weekend! :)

Live on Your Knees, or Die on Your Feet

2007-09-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

Or...a treatise on not living your life scared.

How many famous quote are there about courage and fear? "You have nothing to fear but fear itself..." "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways..." "I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees..."

Having courage isn't just about being the hero, or standing up against immeasurable odds; it's about courage in daily life too. Courage is about standing up and giving a presentation in a language you haven't even spent a year studying, in a country you've only been in for a few months. Courage can be putting on a brave face, being support to your worried family, but being so afraid of the worse on the inside, that the only thing you want to do is run to the restroom and be sick. Courage is knowing what is right for your life, and not giving a fuck what other people think, because really, who are they to tell you how to live your life.

Courage is NOT knowing what to do all the time, but it is not succumbing to indecision and letting what others say dictate the direction you should take. Courage is NOT making a decision or taking an action unwaveringly. Sometimes, that results in reckless and wanton behavior; it takes courage to realize that maybe you are wrong, or need to reconsider- no one likes to admit that maybe they were wrong.

Fear is crippling. During those times of greatest fears, I have always found my friends and family to be of the greatest support, but when you really get down to it, the courage has to come from you. Your family will not always be there, and they certainly aren't always fully supportive (sometimes, they can even add stress), and your friends will move away. Ultimately, you have only yourself to be answerable to and for. Make waves. The revolution will not come, you have to BE the revolution.

Because of our fear of the opinions of others, we cripple our abilities and happiness in this life. After all, those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. Courage happens in the smallest events in everyday life. We have gotten it in our heads that courage is only grand heroic schemes or going above the call of duty. It is needed everyday, because let's face it, without it, you live a scared life. Because, on one hand, you can live the pleasant life that society wants you, or you can live the life that makes changes, seeks to remedy the ills you see in the world, and fight the good fight, and I can tell you, it's a daily fight. And an uphill one at that.

The Pursuit of Knowledge, or the Varied Political Games We Play in Academia

2007-09-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

Let's get real. As much as we who are involved with academia want to believe that there is a free-flow of thought and ideas in academia, we are kidding ourselves. It is not about reaching out and increasing the knowledge base for society as a whole, it is about competition. Who can come up with the "hot" new theory, and who will be the first to jump on that trend. Who can publish the most in the top most journals and win prestigious awards. Making contributions for the betterment of the world, and as a citizen of the world, has taken a back seat to personal glory and prestige. Chuck Palahniuk summed it up best (using an analogy with music): "This isn't about music, it's about winning. You stomp the competition with the bass line. You rattle windows. You drop the melody line and shout the lyrics. You put the foul language and come down hard on each cussword. You dominate. This is really about power."

And yes, that is essentially what it comes down to: the ability to control the direction of academic thought, legitimize certain areas of thought, and "other" those that are not mainstream or subscribe to alternate theories, despite sound evidence and data. And it isn't just that- it's also about WHO and WHERE. Want to go and study under a professor with your interests, at a "lesser" school- forget about getting a good job after your PhD. A pecking order exsists- if you are are an Ivy League, you are set. If you are a school with a alternate, interdisciplinary program- forget it.

What really made me think, and become frustrated with this aspect of academia, is my current search for that elusive fit of a PhD program. My professor told me frankly- I may want to forget a program in Germany or India if I want to get a job in the U.S.- there is a pecking order and I would be fighting an uphill battle, because let's face it- it's also about the funding. I could be a poor scholar my whole life.....or go to a more "mainstream" program, that isn't making innovation or new contributions, but rather, reaffirming knowledge that is taken for granted and not challenged or expanded upon.

Well, I better suck it up. Because wherever you end up with a career in life, there are going to be politics.....

Song for the Day: "F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X" by The Fall of Troy
Slow down this is slippin' through my mind,
this conversation has run out of time.
Honey I know you know what I mean,
and that's the one thing that you soon will find.
I know that you really wanna go,
my mind is runnin' outta gas just relax,
and recap, and relapse.

In a Phrase to Cut These Lips

2007-09-12T23:42:00.000-05:00

I've had "Wake Up" by Coheed and Cambria stuck in my head; here are the lyrics:

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.)
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up.

19th Nervous Breakdown

2007-09-12T13:05:00.000-05:00

Apologies to the Stones, for stealing a song title. So I was in a weird mood last night. I couldn't explain it. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of anxiety attack. Over what? I have no clue. I seriously felt like I was going crazy. I had called a friend to "talk me down" so to speak. I felt so much better, but damn.

I usually have fairly good introspection- I understand myself, my thoughts, and how I fit into the grand scheme of things, so when I have weird attacks like this, it really unnerves me because I find it inexplicable. I can't ascertain why such feelings come up. Mostly, I think that it is just the conflict I have between everything I need to do right now and everything I want to do in the future. I have a major paper, schoolwork, and graduating from this piece to consider before I even worry about where I am going to get my PhD. But even that, is important. There's the funding, who I would work with, and other million worries and concerns. I am ready for tomorrow, but need to remember to live for today.

So once again, we've delved again into my psyche. I feel secure writing about these things here, because I don't really count on many people actually reading this, and much less, taking the time to comment. And really, all of this is so stupid and inconsequential when really taken into the grad scheme of things in the world. What are my worries about school and my future, when compared to the daily struggle of a mother to feed her children, or the fear to step out of your home because of the threat that you could not come back home. So the final thought, is that I feel blessed that these are my worries. I am glad for these worries. I embrace them.

Please Don't Throw Me in the Looney Bin!

2007-09-11T23:43:00.001-05:00

Ok...this isn't a "OMG I CAN"T CONCENTRATE ON SCHOOL WORK" post... this is more of a..wow, I don't know what is going on right now post. I think I just have so much going on between classes and applying for PhD programs and all these other things, that I hardly have control over the smaller things in life.

For example, I am a people person. I love talking to people, finding out what makes them tick, and making connections, and for some odd reason, my mind cannot be still enough for one second for me to concentrate fully on that person. I usually can, but I find myself unable to focus, and even if I do focus, I find that half of what was said I missed. This is really starting to worry me. And if it isn't that, then its thoughts I have when I'm idle that boil down to "screw this whole school thing...let me go start a nudist colony"

...ok...maybe not quite like that, but seriously....I get these random thoughts that make no sense. School is making me lose my mind.

I suppose it's because I just have too much to think of and not enough time to think on it....but enough time to post in a blog?? (Ok, legitimate excuse with this.....this is cathartic and helps me deal with this stuff...ok? ok.)

Within the Sounds of Postmodernism

2007-09-10T19:17:00.001-05:00

So I'm walking across campus today....and what do I think of. Postmodernism. Weird. Right? Yeah. Well what got me thinking about it was Simon and Garfunkels' Sound of Silence. For you, oh gentle reader, not familiar with this, here is a good overview of it from Wikipedia.

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

At the crux of postmodernism is the idea that the stresses of modernism have caused us to find ways to cope with everyday life. And we are inundated with choices. Maybe this is why more people are on medications for anxiety and depression. Now, while Postmodernism is said to have arisen as a reaction to World War II, I feel that it is actually a reaction to globalization. We seek individual identity and worth in the face of homogenizing forces beyond our control, yet we seek to connect with those around us, despite skepticism about others. We are in essence, confused. Our only solace, is the recess of our minds, where even then, we don't always find silence...

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

We are conflicted with ourselves. We have so many choices and opportunities. Yet, they seem to distract from the larger picture of things. Postmodernists, that come from a Marxist perspective, would argue that capitalism has created a consumer culture, in which we think only of ourselves and of inane things, such as the latest shoes on sale.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Silence allows for reflection, but it also is the lack of communication and dialogue between individuals and society. Not only are we a dying society, in the sense that even "noble" non-profit organizations are now professionalized and lose track of those they are to serve, but even in the sense that we don't even speak to our neighbors, across the world, and even just living on the other side of the wall from us. And those that try to reach out to our neighbors, meet only frustration.....

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

The failure to connect- we are becoming the generation of computers and the internet. Human contact is replaced with the tip-tap of keys and the harsh glare (or soft glare if you have the latest technology) of a computer screen. I highly suggest reading Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone- it is very insightful about the dropoff of associational life in the United States and in the West. Our engagement in society has dropped off. Society and communities die from an apathy, born of the conditions of modernism. We create false idols- consumerism, money, wealth, greed, and power. And those that note these aflictions in society are cast off as societal lepers- label them communists, liberals, hippies. Anything, to devalue their observations and maintain the "norms" of society.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.

So yeah....

2007-09-09T21:18:00.001-05:00

So.....a lot of stuff has happened since the last post...so let me summarize...

India......learning Hindi.......Chennai........Texas....Blacksburg.

Ok, now you are up to date.

And now for the future

PhD.....German........hell of a lot of classes.........weekend escapes from Blacksburg.......saving the world.

The End.

And let it be known that the only reason I updated was because I was feeling lazy....for not doing so. and wanted to not do schoolwork.

Week One Update

2007-06-02T04:49:00.000-05:00

Howdy faithful readers....

Where we last left off, I arrived in India. And since then, I haven't updated. It's not that I haven't wanted to (believe me! I have!) it's more that I have been so busy and have not had the best of access to the internet. But that is life, and we deal with it. I started this week off in Rishikiesh and Haridwar. I ALMOST took a plunge into the Ganga...but I don't think my professors would have appreciated that much, so I stuck with a polite splash on the arms and legs. I took some wonderful pictures of the mountains in Rishikesh, and there is one in particular that I like. There was a storm moving in, and on one side is light and the other is dark. I'll try to upload that one sometime (the challenge is that it is on my computer, which I am not currently using.

Oh! and I was also on t.v. I was interviewed about teh Nizamuddin (a Sufi Shrine) and a bit about Indian history. I think I impressed them....at least my professor told me I did. It's supposed to be airing in CSPAN in a month- so do watch CSPAN for my television debut ;o)

The one frustrating thing, now, is that because I have waited so long to update, I feel that there is so much to say and not enough time to say it in. I really have been kept busy- if it isn't class or excursions, it's meeting up with old and new (well, new, but they feel like old friends :)) friends. I should have more time once we leave Delhi (I know people here!) Monday, we leave for Aligarh, and while there, I'll be living with a family. After that, to Agra, and if things settle down in Jaipur, then there. No plans yet as to what we will be doing if things don't get better in Jaipur...(I would cast my vote for going to Mumbai, but that's just me).

Alright, I better get going. stay tuned for more updates (hopefully more frequent ones at that...).

-b

I'm in INDIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-22T22:22:00.000-05:00

Hi guys!

Here is the obligatory "I got here" post. I'll try to update later with how the flight was and about Frankfurt. All in all, it wasn't too bad (as far as flying goes...)

bernie

(oh, and I will post a little later with a "backlogged" post- I handwrote it in the Frankfurt airport).

India!

2007-05-19T08:18:00.000-05:00

Howdy all!

Oh faithful readers of this blog (yes, all 3-5 of you, plus any new additions), I shall be taking this in a new direction for the next three months. Instead of random musings and random thoughts that happen to wrench their way into my mind and prod me to the point of compulsion to write them down....I shall try to be more consistent and chronicle my summer in India. Should be fun, should be interesting, and always, feel free to leave comments :) Links to pictures will also be posted! So stay tuned for those. And as always, thank you for the love and support!

bernie

Wow...

2007-04-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

Ashley sent me this interesting link....makes me glad that thoughts about the abilities and choices of women have come so far...but it's also a bit disturbing to me that this is the way that some people still perceive women and their role.

wow.....

General Update- Because it seems to be about that time...

2007-04-03T14:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't written in a while, so I felt it was time for a general update. Grad life continues on; piles of school work and papers, with no end in sight. Actually, part of the problem is that I have ADD and can't sit down and do my work..or if I do, I am doing the homework for two classes simultaneously (don't ask me how I do that one...). But, the time passes quickly. I've been busy also getting ready to go to India this summer. I can't wait!!!!

On the bright side, the month of April has started! My favorite month of the year! and Blacksburg is finally bright, sunny, and warm. No more Bleaksburg. The flowers are out in bloom, and campus is just beautiful....AND, you really get to see it when you have to walk way out of your way to avoid the whole section of campus that is cordoned off because of a bomb threat. Some jackass probably didn't want to take a test....

Actually, that was a nice break from life; Ashley met me and we just walked around Duck Pond, and took pictures of ducks. Ducks are funny. Especially those weird looking ones.

Hmm...what else....I'll be back in the GREAT state of TEXAS on May 13th and will be there until August 21st. Leave for India, will be back August 17th, and then back off to Virginia to hopefully finish off my last year at grad school (please Lord, I just want to finish my thesis by May!)

hmmm...what else........what else......can't think of much else...I should really get back to studying.

Enjoy the spring!!

What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love

2007-03-13T08:08:00.000-05:00

I have been ruminating over this the past few days, but I think the two things I dislike more than anything else in this world is hate and ignorance. I would have to give a lot of credit to Dave for his insights and numerous discussions we have had on this topic.

I don't even mean hate in the visceral sense; I mean it in the "I don't know what that is but I don't like it sense." It is a hate that is influenced by ignorance and an inability to want to change or become more knowledgeable. I think when you are young, especially, these are two conceptions that are so dangerous to hold on to. Youth are a driving force, but alone, we cannot accomplish everything. Our voices are not taken seriously and dismissed by those that are older and "more experienced."

I do believe, as well, that age is not an excuse for changing these outlooks and refuting the evils of ignorance and hate. It is, rather, a refusal to see things differently and take into consideration other perspectives- ignorance. Yes, it is difficult to change and shift your whole paradigm after years of believing one thing, but it is also not unheard of.

I felt compelled to write about this because I just thought of how these two forces have served to only create divisions among ourselves; divisions that prevent us from seeing our similarities and focus on our differences. It has started wars, lead to discrimination, and various other situations in which divisions and walls are built between individuals or groups of people.

Ok, rant over. Thinking about this topic makes my heart feel heavy... and so sad that there are people out there that perpetuate hate and ignorance.

An oldie, but a goodie, from my favorite, the Economist.

2007-02-15T10:35:00.000-05:00

God

Dec 23rd 1999
From The Economist print edition

After a lengthy career, the Almighty recently passed into history. Or did he?

WHEN your friends start looking for proofs of your existence, you’re heading for trouble. That was God’s situation as the millennium got into its stride.

Few ordinary folk, though they had different names for him, doubted the reality of God. He was up there somewhere (up, not down; in his long career, no one ever located him on the seabed), always had been, always would be. Yet not quite so far up, in the churches and monasteries of Europe, many of its cleverest men would soon be racking their brains for ways of proving it.

Anselm, for instance, and others centuries later, such as Descartes, reckoned if you could think of God, then there must be a God to think of. Thomas Aquinas saw everything in motion, so there must be someone to give the first push. Others felt that a universe so elegantly designed as ours plainly must have a designer. And so on, and ingeniously on.

Yet why bother with proof, if everyone knew it anyway? One, because great brains are like that; two, because not everyone did. Out there were the gentiles, Saracens and such. But did not they too say, “There is no God but God”? Yes, but they didn’t mean what good Christians meant. They must be taught better. And there God’s troubles began.

They were largely his own fault. Like many great personalities, he had countless admirers who detested each other—and he let them do so. For one of infinite knowledge, he was strangely careless how he spread what bits of it to whom. To some he dictated the Bible; to Muhammad the Koran. He was much concerned with the diet of Jews. He let Hindus paint him as what, to others, looked like a blue-faced flute-player with an interest in dairy-farming. Each set of believers had its version of what he was like and what he had said. No wonder cynics began to hint that, if believers differed so widely, belief might be a mistake.

The believers then made things worse. For soon it was not sets but sub-sets. Christians nationalised God, as Jews had long since, like some coal mine. He’s on our side, the English told the French. No, ours, Joan of Arc hit back. Next, the Reformers privatised him: unser Gott, fine, yet not the king’s or the church’s, but each man’s own. From this umpteen versions of what “he” might amount to, or think, were apt to spring, and did. Close kin could disagree. As late as 1829, a bishop warned Britain’s House of Lords of divine retribution if it granted civic rights to Jews; happily, their lordships, aware that stupidity thrived in God’s house as in their own, took the risk. In the 1840s American Methodism split, north against south, arguing whether his word condemned slavery or justified it.

Nor did the rivals seem even to believe their own versions. The Christians turned not cheeks but swords against Muslims, Jews and each other. Muslims, while averring that “in religion there is no compulsion”, did the like to them and to Hindus, and put to death apostates from Islam. For centuries, such rivalries led to torrents of blood. Was this a good God at work? Tantum religio potuit suadere malorum, the Roman poet Lucretius had written: that’s where superstition leads. It was no disproof of clerical logic, but it was a reasonable point.

And in time reason began to take a hand. God, OK, but less mumbo-jumbo, said a platoon of English “deists” in the early 18th century; we can reach him without revelation, let alone incense. This was a risky step, as French and German thinkers were soon to prove. If human reason was so powerful, did man need God? No, said Enlightened men like Diderot (to be silenced, but not convinced, when the mathematician Euler told him “a + bⁿ over n = x, donc Dieu existe”). The French revolution buried God, albeit Napoleon soon dug him out.

Darwin did not help, blowing apart the first book of the Bible. Nor did critical 19th-century German micro-examination of what was left. Still less did men like Marx, who saw the close links between the ruling class and the ruling churches, and was eager to blow up both; come the 20th century, the Soviet Union did so, literally. Religion was the opium of the people, give them the adrenalin of communism instead. God was dead, as Nietzsche had announced; and even if the superman Nietzsche envisaged to replace him somehow never got born, communist man could do it.

Trouble was, communist man didn’t; the people did not agree; and the corpse just wouldn’t lie down. He popped up in the oddest places. “You don’t find many atheists in a landing-craft heading for Normandy,” recorded a padre aboard one such in June 1944; even though the Almighty was about to let many of their joint flock be turned into fish-food. A French journalist, no less, was ready in the 1960s with the best possible evidence, if it was true: a book entitled “God exists, I have met him”. (Or could it have been “her”, as even the current pope was heard to hint recently?)

And this was in the cynical, questioning, anti-authoritarian West. Ever fewer westerners share the church’s—or the synagogue’s—beliefs, and far fewer still attend their services. Yet outside the rarefied world of thinkers, remarkably few deny the possibility of a supreme being; less than 10% of Americans. In Muslim and Hindu societies, the thought is barely heard.

The test will come on Judgment Day, when man, we are told, will meet his maker. Or will it be God meeting his?

So...I like to oversimplify things too....

2007-01-30T11:14:00.000-05:00

Foreign Policy recently had an article criticizing those who are exuberant about greater cooperation between the United States and India, citing that India is NOT a natural fit for the U.S.

Interesting....I didn't think you had to "fit" to engage in relations with each other. I kinda though, according to International Relations 101 (if you want to take a very Bismarkian approach) you engage another country because of shared interests. As I see it, right now, India and the U.S. have many shared interests.

On another point, the article cites that India is not a responsible world power, specifically mentioning "peace-keeping" in Sri Lanka and becoming involved in Bangladesh in 1971, culminating in the Third Indo-Pak War (hmm.....I think in this case I would have been amazed if India HAD NOT become involved....just that little matter that it lies smack-dab in between the two...). And how would she define a "responsible power?" This is lacking in her argument, and really, honestly, what is an American doing defining that? Are we not in Iraq right now?

Anyways, that is just a critique of the first two pages....I could go on. and On. Unfortunately...I have schoolwork.

Communication, Please

2007-01-29T17:02:00.000-05:00

So I think today's theme is communication.

Today, I held my first English Conversation Class. It was fun. The two students I had are both spouses to graduate students at Virginia Tech. I felt so invigorated to be surrounded by people who were so eager to learn. I think that is the type of environment I have been missing here the whole time thus far that I have been at Tech: finding people who are excited about learning, just for the sake of learning.

And another side of communication- disputes, arguments, and conflict. It's funny how communication can play such a multi-faceted role in each of these. Communication, or lack thereof, can spur all three of these to occur. Arguments and Disputes, particularly, happen because of what was said, or left unsaid. Opening the channels of communication, if cooler heads prevail, can help diffuse these sitautions. But communication, if tempers run hot, can also worsen an already bad situation. I have a feeling that if people just got the gumption to say what needed to be said in the FIRST place, and not talk around the point or withhold necessary information, this world might be a lot better off than it is now.

Rant done. Schoolwork to be done....sigh....

On a side note, Seby started a blog...go forth and visit!

And I have Rilo Kiley's Accidental Death stuck in my head...check it out.

Poetry

2007-01-24T11:45:00.000-05:00

Here's a hint, when you are bored in class, write a poem. At least, that's what I plan to do....it seems to be a bit more productive than scribbling in my notes.

I figured I needed to update this too. Some entries, perhaps, should be coming soon.

On the Road Again..

2006-12-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

So just when I get done driving halfway across the country.....I decided to drive across the other half! I'm currently chillin' in the hotel room, listening to the ipod, and updating. Dad and Andrew are busy working out or something (which, if I had known there were workout facilities, I would have brought workout clothes...). So, here's the chronicle of the journeys so far.

We stopped for lunch at this great overlook. It was a picnic area up on a ridge and you have an amazing view down into a valley. The area is so desolate, but there is a beauty to it. I don't know, you can call me weird, but I find something beautiful in the landscape of West Texas. Maybe it's because it is underappreciated.

I was expecting it to be a bad drive, but thanks to the Great State of Texas, the speedlimit is now 80 mph in West Texas, which believe me, makes a world of difference. Thank you Rick Perry, it's one of the only good things you've done and I don't know if I can really say that you did that. And I came within spittin' distance of Mexico, but did not go to Mexico, despite my protestations to the contrary. Triste :(

Tomorrow, we're going to Fort Bowie; my dad says it's pretty cool. It was a staging ground for Union troops for the Battle of Picacho Peak, which is the westernmost Civil War battle, and afterwards, was the site of a outpost on the frontier. There are two battles in the Native American wars near the site as well. I'm excited to be getting out and doing something. We should be reaching San Diego late tomorrow.

Good night all!

Music Recommendation

2006-12-23T19:20:00.000-05:00

I highly recommend you check out Ray LaMontagne...that is all.

Just Another Night in Austin

2006-12-21T14:57:00.000-05:00

So I got to hang out with Jenn for the first time in forever! I saw her for all of 5 minutes as I was leaving the A&M/t.u. game during Thanksgiving...and that was just a chance happening! We had so much to catch up on, and afterwards, I kept thinking of the poem by Sandra Cisneros called "Loose Women." We are two crazy chicas....hee hee. Enjoy!

They say I’m a beast.

And feast on it. When all along

I thought that’s what a woman was.

They say I’m a bitch.

Or a witch. I’ve claimed

The same and never winced.

They say I’m a macha, hell on wheels,

viva-la-vulva, fire and brimstone,

man-hating, devastating,

boogey-woman lesbian.

Not necessarily, but I like the compliment.

The mob arrives with sticks and stones

To maim and lame and do me in.

All the same, when I open my mouth

They wobble like gin.

…

By all accounts I’m a danger to society.

I’m Pancha Villa.

…

I strike terror among the men.

I can’t be bothered what they think.

!Que se vayan a la ching chang chong!

For this, the cross, the calvalry.

In other words, I’m anarchy.

…

I’m an aim-well,

shoot-sharp,

sharp-tongued,

sharp-thinking,

fast speaking,

foot-loose,

loose-tongued,

let-loose,

woman-on-the-loose

loose woman.

Beware, honey.

And the Truth Shall....

2006-12-19T11:11:00.000-05:00

Telling the truth is a funny phenomenon. People say they want to know the truth; but honestly, deep down inside, I don't think a lot of people do. The truth can hurt; it can shatter false hopes and daydreams in a matter of seconds. These can be false hopes that have sustained a person for minutes, weeks, and sometimes years.

Particularly hurtful can be hearing the truth from those closest to us. In my personal experience, hell yeah, it hurts alot, but I have more respect for my friends or family because they had the courage to tell me the truth, first of all, but that they also showed me the respect to tell me the truth. More often than not, they tell me because they want to make me a better person, and for that, I am thankful and respectful to my friends.

Witholding the truth hurts mor than anything else, especially when it is uncovered. We don't mean to hurt the ones we love, but that is part of the human experience. The Truth hurts, but it is necessary.

it shall set you free- in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Tis Easier to Seek Forgiveness, Than Ask Permission??

2006-12-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

It's forgiveness that makes us what we are. Without forgiveness, our species would've annihilated itself in endless retributions. Without forgiveness, there would be no history. Without that hope, there would be no art, for every work of art is in some way an act of forgiveness. Without that dream, there would be no love, for every act of love is in some way a promise to forgive. We live on because we can love, and we love because we can forgive. - 370 of Shantaram

For some odd reason today, I was thinking alot about the topic of forgiveness, possibly because I was finally able to read Shantaram for the first time in forever. Which, by they way, is an amazing book and I recommend for anyone to read. It is a great book with many deep philosophical discussions interlaced with an amazing story.

Forgiveness. It is possibly one of the hardest processes that humans can undertake, whether they are the one granting it or the one seeking it. Too often, we are seeking forgiveness because we have committed a great wrong against the one we love (love in the sense of friends, families, significant others). The process of asking for forgiveness can be arduous; it means facing the person you have wronged, in a humbling position, and owning up to the wrong you have committed and asking for their blessings and understanding.

In turn, the difficultly to grant forgiveness is as great; it includes an empathy with the person asking for the forgiveness and patience. It ultimately comes down to love for that person as well; has the sin the other person has committed so grave that you cannot possibly continue a relationship with that person? The decision to continue association or not lies mostly with the person who has been wronged. In addition, it is important to not confuse healing and forgiveness. Forgiveness means you are willing to help the other person heal and perhaps, seek their help in your healing. Healing means words between the two of you do not evoke the misdeed done; this is an extension of the forgiveness process. More often than not, healing does not begin until forgiveness is found; healing is possibly the second hardest process after forgiveness. This is by no means a process that happens over night; in fact, it is a process that can flounder if it is forced.

Ultimately, forgiveness is an act of love; because you care for the person you wronged, you seek their pardon. And because you love the person who has wronged you, you seek their help to begin the process of healing. It is the decision to forgive that is the greatest test of love you can have for a person.

I conclude with another quote from Shantaram about love, and in a way, relates back to our topic of forgiveness.

They'd lied to me and betrayed, leaving jagged edges where all my trust had been, and I didn't like or respect or admire them any more, but still I loved them. I had no choice. I understood that, perfectly, standing in the white wilderness of snow. You can't kill love. You can't even kill it with hate. You can kill in-love, and loving, and even loveliness. You can kill them all, or numb them into a dense, leaden regret, but you can't kill love itself. Love is the passionate serach for a truth other than your own; and once you feel it, honestly and completely, love is forever.- pg. 740 of Shantaram

Punk Rock and Anarchy

2006-12-05T11:18:00.000-05:00

I was listening to punk rock, and it made me think of anarchy.....post to come sometime. Maybe this is why I'm an anarchist...the music I listen to....

The Twelve Greats

2006-12-02T14:59:00.000-05:00

I have heard a proverb that states "Fate gives all of us three teachers, three friends, three enemies, and three great loves of our lives, but these tweleve are disguised, and we can never know which on is which until we've loved them, left them, or fought them."

The difficulty, also, becomes when one appears to be one of the others: when does a friend become a teacher or a love become an enemy? Perhaps this is a revelation we come to at the end of our lives; while you are in it, the lines become blurred and confused and those you wish to be that great love fail you, your friends betray you, and your enemies turn out to be your greatest teachers.

Utopian State of Mind

2006-12-01T15:27:00.000-05:00

So recently for my Political Theory Class, I read a book called Picture Imperfect by Russell Jacoby; the book discusses the idea of utopianism and the intellectual history behind it. It is a rather interesting read and by far one of the best I've read for the class. So, it got me to thinking: is utopia possible? and if it is, would we want one, because it seems that the creation of a utopia involves control. Utopias, as well, are not the common notion that everyone has of all living in peace; they are the creation of a new order with ideals dictated by a small elite ruling class.

Most conceptions of utopias, while they did have some shared characteristics (respect, peace, love, etc.) they generally were the embodiment of a perfect society by the person writing it or creating it. Therefore, in a sense, a utopia is the ideal society for a group of people with a shared value and view of the world that is reinforced with force by those in power. This calls into the question, as well, of if a “Marxist” utopia can exist, as Marxism is essentially a liberation theology, not tolerant of any form of control that would be necessary to impose a utopian society. Marxism, as interpreted by Lenin and Stalin (though arguably, he strayed far from Marxism), certainly do involve control, as a means to impose an ideology on a population that has just suffered upheaval. For the failed utopian experiments in histoy, this seems to be the trend: tulmultuous historical periods followed by the feeble attempt to impose a new order. Whether it is the Soviet after the Revolution of 1917 or the Paris Commune after the Revolutions of 1848, or as will be discussed further, the Third Reich after the Versaille "Peace."

Utopias are considered social experiments, and in a sense, they are an experiment in the strict sense of the world. Through strict control of all aspects of society, the ultimate social experiment is being conducted; the ideal conditions are imposed by the governing structure and its rules and laws. Utopians attempt this, but largely fail, for as Jacoby quotes Popper, “ the whole ‘cannot be made the object of scientific study’” (54). Hitler, as Jacoby points out, tried to create a society that he envisioned as ideal, along the lines that he wrote in Mein Kampf; all aspects of society were controlled, from dictating the role of the German woman to the role of races and religions. Fortunately, there were enough who did not share that same idea of utopia and actively worked against it. Those who worked against it were those not included in the view of the utopia; an othering occurs in the creation, or attempt to create, a utopia.

The control used by the Nazis was obvious, yet people still succumbed to it, in part due to the desperate state of Germany in the post-World War I period. The vision offered by Hitler seemed far better than the current state; the offer of a better future, a utopia, so to speak, would be impossible to pass up, especially if it meant having to drag a wheelbarrow of Deutschmarks down the street to buy a loaf of bread.

The promise of a utopia was accompanied by authoritarianism to create the new society that Hitler envisioned; in a sense, the promise of a utopia acted as a cover for the authoritarianism, for as Jacoby points out, from 1984, Winston mistakenly answers that the party has power for the good of the people when it actually has power for its own end, to simply wield power (11). In this sense, utopias are promised to the people so that those who merely seek to practice and exercise power can do so.

This brings me to an interesting question; what is the utopia offered today? Jacoby indicates that not just totalitarian forces but also “the dangers of consumerism and the manipulations of the human psyche concerned Huxley” (9). This speaks today to the extreme consumer culture and the increasing influence of transnational corporations. Society is directed to be more concerned with what the newest products are and what social faux pas they would commit by not having the latest Playstation. Along with this, as Jacoby laments, is the increasing isolation to retreat inside for play, by children, to an environment that is more controlled and limits imagination and thought. Limiting these aspects of human nature makes us susceptible to malleability and easy to control. Coupled with this are the forces of modernity, which, as seen from Giddens, tends to have a homogenizing effect. In a way, the homogenizing effects of modernization have the ability to create groupthink; we have the same values and attitudes. Are we on the way to a utopia centered on the values of consumerism? If this is the case, then this form of utopia formation is far more subversive.

So then, is utopia desireable? Or is "utopia" as humans have conceived it, impossible or is it even wroing? Especially as societies around the world become more divided and diametrically opposed, is it possible to have enough shared values to create this utopia? In one thread, I argue even further that the long intellectual tradition of utopianim does not describe utopia, but rather a form of social engineering. Perhaps anarchists have it right: maybe utopia is a complete and utter lack of control, leaving us at our own wills to determine how to live our lives.

Welcome to my Little Corner of the Internet

2006-12-01T15:09:00.000-05:00

Once again, as I do every so often, I decided to start a blog/journal/whatever. What I'm hoping will make this one different is that I will write more than "UGH! My family pisses me off" or "WHY ARE BOYS SO STUPID!" I also hope to use it to place my most random thoughts because the Good Lord knows I have plenty of those. And there are some of them that I actually am quite disappointed I don't remember later because they are good thoughts.

I've had Livejournal and Xanga , so we'll see how this goes. Hopefully, I'll have something useful to contribute towards discussions.

Dear reader, all I can promise is this: some posts will be short and some will be long, some will be frequent and others may take months before you hear from me again. It should be all well and interesting, and as always, comments will always be welcome and appreciated.