Apologies to the Stones, for stealing a song title. So I was in a weird mood last night. I couldn't explain it. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of anxiety attack. Over what? I have no clue. I seriously felt like I was going crazy. I had called a friend to "talk me down" so to speak. I felt so much better, but damn.
I usually have fairly good introspection- I understand myself, my thoughts, and how I fit into the grand scheme of things, so when I have weird attacks like this, it really unnerves me because I find it inexplicable. I can't ascertain why such feelings come up. Mostly, I think that it is just the conflict I have between everything I need to do right now and everything I want to do in the future. I have a major paper, schoolwork, and graduating from this piece to consider before I even worry about where I am going to get my PhD. But even that, is important. There's the funding, who I would work with, and other million worries and concerns. I am ready for tomorrow, but need to remember to live for today.
So once again, we've delved again into my psyche. I feel secure writing about these things here, because I don't really count on many people actually reading this, and much less, taking the time to comment. And really, all of this is so stupid and inconsequential when really taken into the grad scheme of things in the world. What are my worries about school and my future, when compared to the daily struggle of a mother to feed her children, or the fear to step out of your home because of the threat that you could not come back home. So the final thought, is that I feel blessed that these are my worries. I am glad for these worries. I embrace them.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Please Don't Throw Me in the Looney Bin!
Ok...this isn't a "OMG I CAN"T CONCENTRATE ON SCHOOL WORK" post... this is more of a..wow, I don't know what is going on right now post. I think I just have so much going on between classes and applying for PhD programs and all these other things, that I hardly have control over the smaller things in life.
For example, I am a people person. I love talking to people, finding out what makes them tick, and making connections, and for some odd reason, my mind cannot be still enough for one second for me to concentrate fully on that person. I usually can, but I find myself unable to focus, and even if I do focus, I find that half of what was said I missed. This is really starting to worry me. And if it isn't that, then its thoughts I have when I'm idle that boil down to "screw this whole school thing...let me go start a nudist colony"
...ok...maybe not quite like that, but seriously....I get these random thoughts that make no sense. School is making me lose my mind.
I suppose it's because I just have too much to think of and not enough time to think on it....but enough time to post in a blog?? (Ok, legitimate excuse with this.....this is cathartic and helps me deal with this stuff...ok? ok.)
For example, I am a people person. I love talking to people, finding out what makes them tick, and making connections, and for some odd reason, my mind cannot be still enough for one second for me to concentrate fully on that person. I usually can, but I find myself unable to focus, and even if I do focus, I find that half of what was said I missed. This is really starting to worry me. And if it isn't that, then its thoughts I have when I'm idle that boil down to "screw this whole school thing...let me go start a nudist colony"
...ok...maybe not quite like that, but seriously....I get these random thoughts that make no sense. School is making me lose my mind.
I suppose it's because I just have too much to think of and not enough time to think on it....but enough time to post in a blog?? (Ok, legitimate excuse with this.....this is cathartic and helps me deal with this stuff...ok? ok.)
Monday, September 10, 2007
Within the Sounds of Postmodernism
So I'm walking across campus today....and what do I think of. Postmodernism. Weird. Right? Yeah. Well what got me thinking about it was Simon and Garfunkels' Sound of Silence. For you, oh gentle reader, not familiar with this, here is a good overview of it from Wikipedia.
Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
At the crux of postmodernism is the idea that the stresses of modernism have caused us to find ways to cope with everyday life. And we are inundated with choices. Maybe this is why more people are on medications for anxiety and depression. Now, while Postmodernism is said to have arisen as a reaction to World War II, I feel that it is actually a reaction to globalization. We seek individual identity and worth in the face of homogenizing forces beyond our control, yet we seek to connect with those around us, despite skepticism about others. We are in essence, confused. Our only solace, is the recess of our minds, where even then, we don't always find silence...
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
We are conflicted with ourselves. We have so many choices and opportunities. Yet, they seem to distract from the larger picture of things. Postmodernists, that come from a Marxist perspective, would argue that capitalism has created a consumer culture, in which we think only of ourselves and of inane things, such as the latest shoes on sale.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
Silence allows for reflection, but it also is the lack of communication and dialogue between individuals and society. Not only are we a dying society, in the sense that even "noble" non-profit organizations are now professionalized and lose track of those they are to serve, but even in the sense that we don't even speak to our neighbors, across the world, and even just living on the other side of the wall from us. And those that try to reach out to our neighbors, meet only frustration.....
Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence
The failure to connect- we are becoming the generation of computers and the internet. Human contact is replaced with the tip-tap of keys and the harsh glare (or soft glare if you have the latest technology) of a computer screen. I highly suggest reading Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone- it is very insightful about the dropoff of associational life in the United States and in the West. Our engagement in society has dropped off. Society and communities die from an apathy, born of the conditions of modernism. We create false idols- consumerism, money, wealth, greed, and power. And those that note these aflictions in society are cast off as societal lepers- label them communists, liberals, hippies. Anything, to devalue their observations and maintain the "norms" of society.
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.
Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
At the crux of postmodernism is the idea that the stresses of modernism have caused us to find ways to cope with everyday life. And we are inundated with choices. Maybe this is why more people are on medications for anxiety and depression. Now, while Postmodernism is said to have arisen as a reaction to World War II, I feel that it is actually a reaction to globalization. We seek individual identity and worth in the face of homogenizing forces beyond our control, yet we seek to connect with those around us, despite skepticism about others. We are in essence, confused. Our only solace, is the recess of our minds, where even then, we don't always find silence...
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
We are conflicted with ourselves. We have so many choices and opportunities. Yet, they seem to distract from the larger picture of things. Postmodernists, that come from a Marxist perspective, would argue that capitalism has created a consumer culture, in which we think only of ourselves and of inane things, such as the latest shoes on sale.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
Silence allows for reflection, but it also is the lack of communication and dialogue between individuals and society. Not only are we a dying society, in the sense that even "noble" non-profit organizations are now professionalized and lose track of those they are to serve, but even in the sense that we don't even speak to our neighbors, across the world, and even just living on the other side of the wall from us. And those that try to reach out to our neighbors, meet only frustration.....
Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence
The failure to connect- we are becoming the generation of computers and the internet. Human contact is replaced with the tip-tap of keys and the harsh glare (or soft glare if you have the latest technology) of a computer screen. I highly suggest reading Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone- it is very insightful about the dropoff of associational life in the United States and in the West. Our engagement in society has dropped off. Society and communities die from an apathy, born of the conditions of modernism. We create false idols- consumerism, money, wealth, greed, and power. And those that note these aflictions in society are cast off as societal lepers- label them communists, liberals, hippies. Anything, to devalue their observations and maintain the "norms" of society.
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
So yeah....
So.....a lot of stuff has happened since the last post...so let me summarize...
India......learning Hindi.......Chennai........Texas....Blacksburg.
Ok, now you are up to date.
And now for the future
PhD.....German........hell of a lot of classes.........weekend escapes from Blacksburg.......saving the world.
The End.
And let it be known that the only reason I updated was because I was feeling lazy....for not doing so. and wanted to not do schoolwork.
India......learning Hindi.......Chennai........Texas....Blacksburg.
Ok, now you are up to date.
And now for the future
PhD.....German........hell of a lot of classes.........weekend escapes from Blacksburg.......saving the world.
The End.
And let it be known that the only reason I updated was because I was feeling lazy....for not doing so. and wanted to not do schoolwork.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Week One Update
Howdy faithful readers....
Where we last left off, I arrived in India. And since then, I haven't updated. It's not that I haven't wanted to (believe me! I have!) it's more that I have been so busy and have not had the best of access to the internet. But that is life, and we deal with it. I started this week off in Rishikiesh and Haridwar. I ALMOST took a plunge into the Ganga...but I don't think my professors would have appreciated that much, so I stuck with a polite splash on the arms and legs. I took some wonderful pictures of the mountains in Rishikesh, and there is one in particular that I like. There was a storm moving in, and on one side is light and the other is dark. I'll try to upload that one sometime (the challenge is that it is on my computer, which I am not currently using.
Oh! and I was also on t.v. I was interviewed about teh Nizamuddin (a Sufi Shrine) and a bit about Indian history. I think I impressed them....at least my professor told me I did. It's supposed to be airing in CSPAN in a month- so do watch CSPAN for my television debut ;o)
The one frustrating thing, now, is that because I have waited so long to update, I feel that there is so much to say and not enough time to say it in. I really have been kept busy- if it isn't class or excursions, it's meeting up with old and new (well, new, but they feel like old friends :)) friends. I should have more time once we leave Delhi (I know people here!) Monday, we leave for Aligarh, and while there, I'll be living with a family. After that, to Agra, and if things settle down in Jaipur, then there. No plans yet as to what we will be doing if things don't get better in Jaipur...(I would cast my vote for going to Mumbai, but that's just me).
Alright, I better get going. stay tuned for more updates (hopefully more frequent ones at that...).
-b
Where we last left off, I arrived in India. And since then, I haven't updated. It's not that I haven't wanted to (believe me! I have!) it's more that I have been so busy and have not had the best of access to the internet. But that is life, and we deal with it. I started this week off in Rishikiesh and Haridwar. I ALMOST took a plunge into the Ganga...but I don't think my professors would have appreciated that much, so I stuck with a polite splash on the arms and legs. I took some wonderful pictures of the mountains in Rishikesh, and there is one in particular that I like. There was a storm moving in, and on one side is light and the other is dark. I'll try to upload that one sometime (the challenge is that it is on my computer, which I am not currently using.
Oh! and I was also on t.v. I was interviewed about teh Nizamuddin (a Sufi Shrine) and a bit about Indian history. I think I impressed them....at least my professor told me I did. It's supposed to be airing in CSPAN in a month- so do watch CSPAN for my television debut ;o)
The one frustrating thing, now, is that because I have waited so long to update, I feel that there is so much to say and not enough time to say it in. I really have been kept busy- if it isn't class or excursions, it's meeting up with old and new (well, new, but they feel like old friends :)) friends. I should have more time once we leave Delhi (I know people here!) Monday, we leave for Aligarh, and while there, I'll be living with a family. After that, to Agra, and if things settle down in Jaipur, then there. No plans yet as to what we will be doing if things don't get better in Jaipur...(I would cast my vote for going to Mumbai, but that's just me).
Alright, I better get going. stay tuned for more updates (hopefully more frequent ones at that...).
-b
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I'm in INDIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi guys!
Here is the obligatory "I got here" post. I'll try to update later with how the flight was and about Frankfurt. All in all, it wasn't too bad (as far as flying goes...)
bernie
(oh, and I will post a little later with a "backlogged" post- I handwrote it in the Frankfurt airport).
Here is the obligatory "I got here" post. I'll try to update later with how the flight was and about Frankfurt. All in all, it wasn't too bad (as far as flying goes...)
bernie
(oh, and I will post a little later with a "backlogged" post- I handwrote it in the Frankfurt airport).
Saturday, May 19, 2007
India!
Howdy all!
Oh faithful readers of this blog (yes, all 3-5 of you, plus any new additions), I shall be taking this in a new direction for the next three months. Instead of random musings and random thoughts that happen to wrench their way into my mind and prod me to the point of compulsion to write them down....I shall try to be more consistent and chronicle my summer in India. Should be fun, should be interesting, and always, feel free to leave comments :) Links to pictures will also be posted! So stay tuned for those. And as always, thank you for the love and support!
bernie
Oh faithful readers of this blog (yes, all 3-5 of you, plus any new additions), I shall be taking this in a new direction for the next three months. Instead of random musings and random thoughts that happen to wrench their way into my mind and prod me to the point of compulsion to write them down....I shall try to be more consistent and chronicle my summer in India. Should be fun, should be interesting, and always, feel free to leave comments :) Links to pictures will also be posted! So stay tuned for those. And as always, thank you for the love and support!
bernie
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