What a way to start a Phd!!

Well, I'm sitting in the Syracuse airport ready to go home. And I"m ready to go home....

BUT with that said, I have had an amazing time in Syracuse, met some amazing friends- who are as close to me as family- and have met someone amazing- and I've learned many lessons- if you have to convince yourself about something- it's not worth it- PhD is a process, and you have to be patient- you will always have roadblocks to what you want to achieve- how badly you want to achieve something is determined by how hard you want to work to reduce those obstacles. 

Well- those are my thoughts for now- heading on the plane in about 20 minutes- more reflection might come- but really- I am at a good place in life and could't feel any more happy and content with things :)

 

Awareness

So the VT police sent out another message (I would say the 3rd or 4th this semester) about another incident involving students. Was this a orblem before? or is this something new?

I would like to think of it more as "awareness." It is not that Blacksburg is "unsafe," if you look at sheer statistics on "violent" crime, but there are those concerns that always happens with a college town. We aren't talking Grand Theft Auto or Murder or Armed Robbery- we are talking about a quick assault and a dash into the dark. Of course, those are the incidents that don't make it into national statistics, so yes, Blacksburg will continue to appear "safe."

I'm not a person to be paranoid, but at the same time, I also don't assume that every place I go is "safe." You have to have a certain degree of comfort and familiarity with a place. I still feel Blacksburg is in my "safety" zone, but at the same time, Washington Heights at 2 am is also still in my safe zone. It's relative.

And of course, it is a college town- the rate of crime is going to underreported and the numbers fudged to represent the quaint college town that mom and dad would not have a problem dropping off their little darling for the first far away from home.

Work, ADD, and other random things I will write about while under the influence of sugar and caffeine!

I don't think I spelled caffeine right...hmm I guess i did...it didn't show up with a red squiggly line.

OK- so I had a rather unproductive day- I did some reorganization of the paper and then basically let everything distract me to no end (and for once, Facebook was NOT the destraction). I have an overwhelming urge to go somewhere...now. I hear South Africa is nice or even Ukraine (is there a the in front of that? is it like THE Netherlands???? These are questions of grave importance I guess I should be trying to answer, being in International Affairs and all...)

Oh and I found a funny word from urban dictionary- collateral misinformation- when someone gets the wrong information from wikipedia because someone has changed it to win an argument. Oh urban dictionary how I love thee.

Ok...enough random thoughts and all that- I have a bus to catch! WEEE SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!

If it weren't for A-'s...

...i'd have a freakin' 4.0.

oh well....finished out the semester out well enough- on to the next (and the dreaded dum dum dum Thesis/Major Paper!) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Another posting

So I finally updated a post from October 31st...that just got posted today...and it says that it was posted on October 31st, so I just thought I would follow up with a post now....to make my blog "up to date."

I am ready to go home. Now. I want to see my dog, mom, and dad. But I have this bad feeling I'll go home and feel out of place. Sure, I have lots of people I know in Austin, but somehow, I don't feel like there is enough time to see all of them. I also want to go to DFW during the break, and hopefully be there for New Years :)

Right now, I'm starting to realize how difficult it is to go a day without talking to your best friend :( I always feel so sad that I really don't realize what I am missing until it's not there.

And on another note, as always, I'm writing in my blog, rather than working on schoolwork. My goal is to finish a paper for Dr. Toal, that way I can work on my damn survey project all day tomorrow. Hmm...what else.....oh and I finished PhD applications- I just need to call schools now and check up on my applications and make sure they are up to date. Woo!

Alright, back to work.

Lyrics for now: Brandi Carlile "Throw it All Away"

When you're near me I have no fear
When I'm untrue you see right through me
You know me as deep as the sea goes
Calm my head whenever the storm blows

When the stars, and the moon
And the sky, fall through

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is
I would throw it all away...away

In my restless hour I'm holding
The words you say that lay my soul to sleep
I dream of buildings that burn
The sky turns black I toss and turn

When the stars, and the moon
And the sky, fall through

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is
I would throw it all away...away

This love branches out like an oak tree
Reach for the sky and roots to the sea
So when you're shaken down and broken
Find some peace of mind in knowing

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow
Deep as the sea goes, all I know is
I would throw it all away...away

19th Nervous Breakdown

Apologies to the Stones, for stealing a song title. So I was in a weird mood last night. I couldn't explain it. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of anxiety attack. Over what? I have no clue. I seriously felt like I was going crazy. I had called a friend to "talk me down" so to speak. I felt so much better, but damn.

I usually have fairly good introspection- I understand myself, my thoughts, and how I fit into the grand scheme of things, so when I have weird attacks like this, it really unnerves me because I find it inexplicable. I can't ascertain why such feelings come up. Mostly, I think that it is just the conflict I have between everything I need to do right now and everything I want to do in the future. I have a major paper, schoolwork, and graduating from this piece to consider before I even worry about where I am going to get my PhD. But even that, is important. There's the funding, who I would work with, and other million worries and concerns. I am ready for tomorrow, but need to remember to live for today.

So once again, we've delved again into my psyche. I feel secure writing about these things here, because I don't really count on many people actually reading this, and much less, taking the time to comment. And really, all of this is so stupid and inconsequential when really taken into the grad scheme of things in the world. What are my worries about school and my future, when compared to the daily struggle of a mother to feed her children, or the fear to step out of your home because of the threat that you could not come back home. So the final thought, is that I feel blessed that these are my worries. I am glad for these worries. I embrace them.

Please Don't Throw Me in the Looney Bin!

Ok...this isn't a "OMG I CAN"T CONCENTRATE ON SCHOOL WORK" post... this is more of a..wow, I don't know what is going on right now post. I think I just have so much going on between classes and applying for PhD programs and all these other things, that I hardly have control over the smaller things in life.

For example, I am a people person. I love talking to people, finding out what makes them tick, and making connections, and for some odd reason, my mind cannot be still enough for one second for me to concentrate fully on that person. I usually can, but I find myself unable to focus, and even if I do focus, I find that half of what was said I missed. This is really starting to worry me. And if it isn't that, then its thoughts I have when I'm idle that boil down to "screw this whole school thing...let me go start a nudist colony"

...ok...maybe not quite like that, but seriously....I get these random thoughts that make no sense. School is making me lose my mind.


I suppose it's because I just have too much to think of and not enough time to think on it....but enough time to post in a blog?? (Ok, legitimate excuse with this.....this is cathartic and helps me deal with this stuff...ok? ok.)