What a way to start a Phd!!

Well, I'm sitting in the Syracuse airport ready to go home. And I"m ready to go home....

BUT with that said, I have had an amazing time in Syracuse, met some amazing friends- who are as close to me as family- and have met someone amazing- and I've learned many lessons- if you have to convince yourself about something- it's not worth it- PhD is a process, and you have to be patient- you will always have roadblocks to what you want to achieve- how badly you want to achieve something is determined by how hard you want to work to reduce those obstacles. 

Well- those are my thoughts for now- heading on the plane in about 20 minutes- more reflection might come- but really- I am at a good place in life and could't feel any more happy and content with things :)

 

THE CHRONICLES OF THE GREAT MIGRATION NORTH- The story of a Misplaced Texan

When I first moved to Virginia, I thought, hey, no problem, Virginia is still in the south- I could still get sweet tea and Dr. Pepper, but the friendliness of Texas just was not matched. So now, here I am in New York.

The drive up from D.C. was gorgeous, but, I realized what a change this would be for me when I crossed the proverbial Mason-Dixon line between Maryland ad Pennsylvania. I have to admit, I shed a few tears. Good bye my beloved Sunny South. Hello dreary winters and God knows what else- the North.

On the way up, I stopped for a 30 minute tour of Gettysburg- after getting lost- so that put me a bit behind, but it was still nice to go and see Seminary Ridge, where my great great great grandfather got shot (wounded). Again, making me realize how deep my roots in the south go- he was a Confederate soldier with the 8th Louisiana.

But I kid- I really am not that hardcore of a Southerner- I just realize that this move to Syracuse might be even more of a culture shock than the move to Blacksburg, VA. I have yet to see- I have my TA orientation today. (woo………) On the up-side- there will be free food- and I might even be the uncouth person that brings tupper ware (hey! I have no food at home yet and still have to figure out where the grocery store is!)

More chronicles in my journey will follow later. For now, enjoy installment one. (And also, better internet connection that I am not having to steal....God willing....)

Two Years

I am approaching my two year mark here in Blacksburg, and as I do, I also approach the end of my time here. I have to say that there was a part of me that was going to miss it here- but then again, there are parts of me that are realizing that I am really outgrowing this place.

For the first year I was here, I mostly spent it missing home and my friends back in Texas. Yet, I met some of the most amazing people I know. It was a hard first year- between really moving far from the familiar, leaving behind people who really knew and understood me- and starting a relationship that in retrospect, proved to be a cause for so much of my poor reflection on Blacksburg and Virginia Tech.

During my second year here, I really made a bond with the people in my program and came to realize who my real friends here were- those who knew me best- and did not judge me for my inadequacies. I feel that my second year at Tech was a bit of a liberation for me and a slow reassertion of who I was. April 11, 2008 was a bit of a D-Day of sorts and a culmination of that reassertion- and taking back of my own life, after so much emotional and psychological abuse.

This summer has perhaps been the best time I have had here in Blacksburg- the slower pace, the ability to hang out and meet with more friends- has certainly been a nice change of pace. And of course- finding out what it really means to be appreciated and cared for also helps brighten the days all that much more. :)

My time at Virginia Tech has definitely been a learning experience. At this time last year, I don't think I realized this (actually, I distinctly remember crying about the fact I was coming back to Blacksburg.....). Lessons to carry on in life- and into my new beginnings in Syracuse.

New Beginnings

So I'm sitting in the airport in Roanoke, getting ready to head to Syracuse, and I can't hlep but think that this is a new beginning. Technically, the "new start" won't really start until August, but the wheels are already in motion- and there are too many emotions going on to think and process effectively- sadness, happiness, anticipation, sorrow, melancholy, joy, questioning, reluctance, rinse, wash, and repeat.

The one thing you hear over and over is how change can be scary- is it really scary? or is it just we let our emotions and cognitions get the better of ourselves?

I am very excited about the prospects offered by Syracuse, but I still feel immense sadness about the people I'll leave behind and the changes that have occurred in my life since coming to Blacksburg- time will only tell.

Lost

Do you ever have those days where you wonder what you are doing and how you got to where you are...and you just feel lost and don't know what to do next- yeah, i'm having one of those days. It just makes me wonder what I'm doing and if what I felt like is what I wanted to do all along, really what I want to do?

So yeah, there's always that cliche that life is a journey and sometimes you get lost- but damn, it does not feel good sometimes to be lost- and with no direction to home.

Happy New Year!!

So ends 2007...it's been quite a year:

*finished my first year at Virginia Tech
*Went to India for three months
*Applied for PhD programs
*Started my thesis
*Traveled up and down the East Coast visiting friends
*New friends made, old ones kept
*Started the year in San Diego, and ending it in Dallas

There's been a lot more, but I can't really think of it right now :op

And I've never been one for making resolutions, but here are some things I would like to do in 2008:

1. Listen better- whether it is just to advice from friends or just keeping track of a conversation (I tend to let my mind wander)
2. Be more patient- try to make a better effort at understanding others and not letting the little things bother me.
3. Be Proactive on my Thesis- get 'er done.
4. Start looking for internships/jobs= because I have to do something during the summer.
5. Be better with my finances- start saving more.
6. And of course- not taking life too seriously (we all die anyways)

Love is....

Every so often, there is a small one frame cartoon that appears in the newspaper that has cherub-like naked characters, entitled "Love is..." and each day, there will be something like "Love is...choosing each other." What are the different types of love?

And of course in Catholic Sunday School, there is always the discussion of the different types of love agape, unconditional, I-would-die-for-you-no-questions-asked love or phileo- brotherly/sisterly/comradeship love...and then there was romantic love- get-married-have-kids-grow-old-together love. Funny how when you get older, these lines become blurred. I still believe that you can love people in different ways, but its not as clear cut as in Sunday school. Love is a complicated, all-consuming entity- it is not just a feeling or a flight of fancy. It is a bird that comes to make a nest in your heart.

The one thing that I did learn though, in Sunday school, and its not something that just is Christian, its universal, is that "Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1Corinthians 4-8. The love of our friends gets us up out of bed each day, even when every inch of us screams to not get up and start the day. Love is something that we cannot live without...

I think the favorite cartoon of mine I saw was "Love is...leaping into the unknown." And it is. You don't know what you will give, get, or lose in the process of falling in love and loving the other person. If I have learned anything, while you may sometimes get hurt, showing and exhibiting love to others is perhaps one of the most rewarding things in life- yet can also be one of the most vulnerable, exposing, soul-baring moments. I guess one of my fears in life is to one day turn around and realize that overnight, someone who loved me, no longer loves me- only because giving your love to another person is investing so much emotion and your own life into that person, whether they are a friend, sibling, family member, or significant other.

Now here is my attempt at a "Love is..." feel free to add your own in the comments section :)

"Love is...realizing that your life has been made better for knowing another person."

Live on Your Knees, or Die on Your Feet

Or...a treatise on not living your life scared.

How many famous quote are there about courage and fear? "You have nothing to fear but fear itself..." "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways..." "I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees..."

Having courage isn't just about being the hero, or standing up against immeasurable odds; it's about courage in daily life too. Courage is about standing up and giving a presentation in a language you haven't even spent a year studying, in a country you've only been in for a few months. Courage can be putting on a brave face, being support to your worried family, but being so afraid of the worse on the inside, that the only thing you want to do is run to the restroom and be sick. Courage is knowing what is right for your life, and not giving a fuck what other people think, because really, who are they to tell you how to live your life.

Courage is NOT knowing what to do all the time, but it is not succumbing to indecision and letting what others say dictate the direction you should take. Courage is NOT making a decision or taking an action unwaveringly. Sometimes, that results in reckless and wanton behavior; it takes courage to realize that maybe you are wrong, or need to reconsider- no one likes to admit that maybe they were wrong.

Fear is crippling. During those times of greatest fears, I have always found my friends and family to be of the greatest support, but when you really get down to it, the courage has to come from you. Your family will not always be there, and they certainly aren't always fully supportive (sometimes, they can even add stress), and your friends will move away. Ultimately, you have only yourself to be answerable to and for. Make waves. The revolution will not come, you have to BE the revolution.

Because of our fear of the opinions of others, we cripple our abilities and happiness in this life. After all, those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. Courage happens in the smallest events in everyday life. We have gotten it in our heads that courage is only grand heroic schemes or going above the call of duty. It is needed everyday, because let's face it, without it, you live a scared life. Because, on one hand, you can live the pleasant life that society wants you, or you can live the life that makes changes, seeks to remedy the ills you see in the world, and fight the good fight, and I can tell you, it's a daily fight. And an uphill one at that.

The Twelve Greats

I have heard a proverb that states "Fate gives all of us three teachers, three friends, three enemies, and three great loves of our lives, but these tweleve are disguised, and we can never know which on is which until we've loved them, left them, or fought them."

The difficulty, also, becomes when one appears to be one of the others: when does a friend become a teacher or a love become an enemy? Perhaps this is a revelation we come to at the end of our lives; while you are in it, the lines become blurred and confused and those you wish to be that great love fail you, your friends betray you, and your enemies turn out to be your greatest teachers.