There just are some days where I feel like I waste my time on some people....and I don't mean acquaintances or casual friends- I mean people who are supposed to mean the most to me. It is one thing to be busy with work and all that, I understand, but it is a totally different thing to have that get in the way of your life- and essentially make you a non-factor- and sometimes that is how I feel. You have become a non-factor. I just talk to you at the end of the day and even at that- I somehow feel it is forced, not sincere. And that feeling is further reinforced when you talk to others more at ease and for a longer time than you do with me.......

.....what to do about you my non-factor.

Been a while- but one thing that amuses me today- people who will rip apart a sport that they do not like, and then the next day become ardent supporters of that same sport.....

....hmm...

Love and...

Call me a blasphemer or whatever- but I'm really starting to doubt this social institution we call Marriage- why do you have to get married? I mean, to be honest, its just signing a document and saying yep- we are legal recognized as a unit. So why do you have to have a paper to say that? Now, I know that this view is not shared by my partner, but damnit. This is what I think.

On another note- I also get deathly afraid of losing the independence and freedom I have now- it's almost as if people buy into the social construction of marriage and "change" after they get married (ok, I can think of a few cases where this isn't true...but those are far and few between). Previously independent women get married- and fall into the mold of the wife- the stereotypical role, I must add.  And of course, things aren't made easier when all the people around you are getting married............bah- why?

My Bad Habit....

I am decided that my worst habit is that I do not hide the mood I'm in....... I have decided that this is a bad thing to others, not necessarily myself.

Also, on a side note, there is a point at which I get frustrated with adjusting and adjusting and making changes- how far do you bend and mold a person until they break...and I can tell you, in my resistance to breaking- I crack open- I vent my frustrations....and then realize that I'm not getting sympathy....

on the verge...

do you ever have the feeling that you are on the verge of something, but not sure what? I have this odd twitch, itch, twinge that just keeps telling me something is about to happen but I'm clueless as to what....

What a way to start a Phd!!

Well, I'm sitting in the Syracuse airport ready to go home. And I"m ready to go home....

BUT with that said, I have had an amazing time in Syracuse, met some amazing friends- who are as close to me as family- and have met someone amazing- and I've learned many lessons- if you have to convince yourself about something- it's not worth it- PhD is a process, and you have to be patient- you will always have roadblocks to what you want to achieve- how badly you want to achieve something is determined by how hard you want to work to reduce those obstacles. 

Well- those are my thoughts for now- heading on the plane in about 20 minutes- more reflection might come- but really- I am at a good place in life and could't feel any more happy and content with things :)

 

Yes, I am alive--

more than alive- i've been too busy living life (as a human and as a phd student) to update- this is my obligatory "I haven't forgotten about this blog" post :)