NEW YORK...er...New Jersey...or my spontaneous moment of the week

So...what happens when someone plants an idea in my head, and I can't get it out? Ask Bala about that one.

I'm minding my business, watching the Aggies (you know, this weekend had made me forget about that game...) and being fairly disappointed, AND, at the same time, writing a horrid paper for Dr. Toal's class, when I get a message from Bala.

The conversation went roughly like this:
Bala: Dude, come to NYC.
Me: ...I'm intrigued....but why don't you guys come here??
Bala: (something New York being cooler...whatever, blah blah blah) So yeah, you should come here.
Me: Let's see..........(5 minute pause while I check kayak) ok...I'm coming.
Bala: Ok.......wait....what? You just booked tickets..
Me: Yes.
Bala: And you are going to be here tomorrow.
Me: Yes.
Bala: Spaced out.

I proceeded to call Subash and Heather and let them know, and they were surprised, but I think, at the same time, a bit expectant that I would do something this spontaneous and impulsive.

Friday was a bit of a whirlwind, between classes, packing, catching the bus to the airport, and landing in NYC. Luckily, the flight to NY didn't take as long as it seemed; someone else I knew from Virginia Tech was also going to New York for the weekend, so she and I sat near each other and talked (the flight was pretty damn near empty).

Well, I land in LaGuardia, and I call Subash to let him know that I landed....and no answer...hrm....I think...well..I proceed to baggage claim, and lo and behold there is Mr. Subash Srinivasan. So we grab the luggage and through a series of busses and trains, get to Times Square! Subash works for Ernst and Young, and the office is right off of Times Square, so as you can see from the picture...the view is amazing.

From there, we went and met Bala in the village and started a long night of imbibing and debauchery, well into the morning. There are still some moments from that night that are coming back to me....I do remember now saying some not so nice things to the cabby in Hindi...because he was trying to get more money out of us for some reason. Whatever.

The next day, went and had some good South Indian food at Dosa Hut, but it was a shame that I could not enjoy it more- I was a bit blegh in the stomach...but that is expected after the night we had. The afternoon consisted of just random things and then going to Bala's. Bala cooked some excellent sambar, and from his place, he and I went to a couple of parties in Manhattan. The first one was kind of lame (no lie) and so we were only there for about an hour, and proceeded to a party at a lounge. This was a kickass party! It was right off Times Square on a rooftop terrace. We stayed out pretty late and then went back to Jersey. By this point, I was starting to become nocturnal.

Sunday mostly consisted of random errands and events (a cookout- with excellent food :) ) and getting ready for the work week (well...that wasn't me...because we all know how I work...). Later that evening, I took a train up to Upper Manhattan, and met with Heather and Nathan!! It was great to see them and spend time with them. On Monday, I met Bala for lunch...went to Central Park to read, and then hung out with Heather and Nathan around Columbia. Columbia was having some intersting things going on that day, as the Iranian president was there to give a speech. So naturally, there were a lot of cameras, protestors, and the crazies. I got interviewed by some journalism students doing a project. I'm a star now. Look for me on CNN someday.

So this morning, I caught a taxi and booked it to LGA. And when I got back, I just crashed for three hours. It was glorious. So now, I'm trying to get some schoolwork done. I'm amazed at the amount of work I didn't do this week....and the suprising amount of time it has taken me to get some of it done. I guess when I am under stress I just focus more....so yeah...and in three days, I'm leaving to go to Purdue!

Overall, it was an amazing weekend.....great to see old friends again, who made this such an amazing weekend! :)

Live on Your Knees, or Die on Your Feet

Or...a treatise on not living your life scared.

How many famous quote are there about courage and fear? "You have nothing to fear but fear itself..." "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways..." "I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees..."

Having courage isn't just about being the hero, or standing up against immeasurable odds; it's about courage in daily life too. Courage is about standing up and giving a presentation in a language you haven't even spent a year studying, in a country you've only been in for a few months. Courage can be putting on a brave face, being support to your worried family, but being so afraid of the worse on the inside, that the only thing you want to do is run to the restroom and be sick. Courage is knowing what is right for your life, and not giving a fuck what other people think, because really, who are they to tell you how to live your life.

Courage is NOT knowing what to do all the time, but it is not succumbing to indecision and letting what others say dictate the direction you should take. Courage is NOT making a decision or taking an action unwaveringly. Sometimes, that results in reckless and wanton behavior; it takes courage to realize that maybe you are wrong, or need to reconsider- no one likes to admit that maybe they were wrong.

Fear is crippling. During those times of greatest fears, I have always found my friends and family to be of the greatest support, but when you really get down to it, the courage has to come from you. Your family will not always be there, and they certainly aren't always fully supportive (sometimes, they can even add stress), and your friends will move away. Ultimately, you have only yourself to be answerable to and for. Make waves. The revolution will not come, you have to BE the revolution.

Because of our fear of the opinions of others, we cripple our abilities and happiness in this life. After all, those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. Courage happens in the smallest events in everyday life. We have gotten it in our heads that courage is only grand heroic schemes or going above the call of duty. It is needed everyday, because let's face it, without it, you live a scared life. Because, on one hand, you can live the pleasant life that society wants you, or you can live the life that makes changes, seeks to remedy the ills you see in the world, and fight the good fight, and I can tell you, it's a daily fight. And an uphill one at that.

The Pursuit of Knowledge, or the Varied Political Games We Play in Academia

Let's get real. As much as we who are involved with academia want to believe that there is a free-flow of thought and ideas in academia, we are kidding ourselves. It is not about reaching out and increasing the knowledge base for society as a whole, it is about competition. Who can come up with the "hot" new theory, and who will be the first to jump on that trend. Who can publish the most in the top most journals and win prestigious awards. Making contributions for the betterment of the world, and as a citizen of the world, has taken a back seat to personal glory and prestige. Chuck Palahniuk summed it up best (using an analogy with music): "This isn't about music, it's about winning. You stomp the competition with the bass line. You rattle windows. You drop the melody line and shout the lyrics. You put the foul language and come down hard on each cussword. You dominate. This is really about power."

And yes, that is essentially what it comes down to: the ability to control the direction of academic thought, legitimize certain areas of thought, and "other" those that are not mainstream or subscribe to alternate theories, despite sound evidence and data. And it isn't just that- it's also about WHO and WHERE. Want to go and study under a professor with your interests, at a "lesser" school- forget about getting a good job after your PhD. A pecking order exsists- if you are are an Ivy League, you are set. If you are a school with a alternate, interdisciplinary program- forget it.

What really made me think, and become frustrated with this aspect of academia, is my current search for that elusive fit of a PhD program. My professor told me frankly- I may want to forget a program in Germany or India if I want to get a job in the U.S.- there is a pecking order and I would be fighting an uphill battle, because let's face it- it's also about the funding. I could be a poor scholar my whole life.....or go to a more "mainstream" program, that isn't making innovation or new contributions, but rather, reaffirming knowledge that is taken for granted and not challenged or expanded upon.

Well, I better suck it up. Because wherever you end up with a career in life, there are going to be politics.....


Song for the Day: "F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X" by The Fall of Troy
Slow down this is slippin' through my mind,
this conversation has run out of time.
Honey I know you know what I mean,
and that's the one thing that you soon will find.
I know that you really wanna go,
my mind is runnin' outta gas just relax,
and recap, and relapse.

In a Phrase to Cut These Lips

I've had "Wake Up" by Coheed and Cambria stuck in my head; here are the lyrics:

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.)
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up.

19th Nervous Breakdown

Apologies to the Stones, for stealing a song title. So I was in a weird mood last night. I couldn't explain it. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of anxiety attack. Over what? I have no clue. I seriously felt like I was going crazy. I had called a friend to "talk me down" so to speak. I felt so much better, but damn.

I usually have fairly good introspection- I understand myself, my thoughts, and how I fit into the grand scheme of things, so when I have weird attacks like this, it really unnerves me because I find it inexplicable. I can't ascertain why such feelings come up. Mostly, I think that it is just the conflict I have between everything I need to do right now and everything I want to do in the future. I have a major paper, schoolwork, and graduating from this piece to consider before I even worry about where I am going to get my PhD. But even that, is important. There's the funding, who I would work with, and other million worries and concerns. I am ready for tomorrow, but need to remember to live for today.

So once again, we've delved again into my psyche. I feel secure writing about these things here, because I don't really count on many people actually reading this, and much less, taking the time to comment. And really, all of this is so stupid and inconsequential when really taken into the grad scheme of things in the world. What are my worries about school and my future, when compared to the daily struggle of a mother to feed her children, or the fear to step out of your home because of the threat that you could not come back home. So the final thought, is that I feel blessed that these are my worries. I am glad for these worries. I embrace them.

Please Don't Throw Me in the Looney Bin!

Ok...this isn't a "OMG I CAN"T CONCENTRATE ON SCHOOL WORK" post... this is more of a..wow, I don't know what is going on right now post. I think I just have so much going on between classes and applying for PhD programs and all these other things, that I hardly have control over the smaller things in life.

For example, I am a people person. I love talking to people, finding out what makes them tick, and making connections, and for some odd reason, my mind cannot be still enough for one second for me to concentrate fully on that person. I usually can, but I find myself unable to focus, and even if I do focus, I find that half of what was said I missed. This is really starting to worry me. And if it isn't that, then its thoughts I have when I'm idle that boil down to "screw this whole school thing...let me go start a nudist colony"

...ok...maybe not quite like that, but seriously....I get these random thoughts that make no sense. School is making me lose my mind.


I suppose it's because I just have too much to think of and not enough time to think on it....but enough time to post in a blog?? (Ok, legitimate excuse with this.....this is cathartic and helps me deal with this stuff...ok? ok.)

Within the Sounds of Postmodernism

So I'm walking across campus today....and what do I think of. Postmodernism. Weird. Right? Yeah. Well what got me thinking about it was Simon and Garfunkels' Sound of Silence. For you, oh gentle reader, not familiar with this, here is a good overview of it from Wikipedia.

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

At the crux of postmodernism is the idea that the stresses of modernism have caused us to find ways to cope with everyday life. And we are inundated with choices. Maybe this is why more people are on medications for anxiety and depression. Now, while Postmodernism is said to have arisen as a reaction to World War II, I feel that it is actually a reaction to globalization. We seek individual identity and worth in the face of homogenizing forces beyond our control, yet we seek to connect with those around us, despite skepticism about others. We are in essence, confused. Our only solace, is the recess of our minds, where even then, we don't always find silence...

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

We are conflicted with ourselves. We have so many choices and opportunities. Yet, they seem to distract from the larger picture of things. Postmodernists, that come from a Marxist perspective, would argue that capitalism has created a consumer culture, in which we think only of ourselves and of inane things, such as the latest shoes on sale.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Silence allows for reflection, but it also is the lack of communication and dialogue between individuals and society. Not only are we a dying society, in the sense that even "noble" non-profit organizations are now professionalized and lose track of those they are to serve, but even in the sense that we don't even speak to our neighbors, across the world, and even just living on the other side of the wall from us. And those that try to reach out to our neighbors, meet only frustration.....

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

The failure to connect- we are becoming the generation of computers and the internet. Human contact is replaced with the tip-tap of keys and the harsh glare (or soft glare if you have the latest technology) of a computer screen. I highly suggest reading Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone- it is very insightful about the dropoff of associational life in the United States and in the West. Our engagement in society has dropped off. Society and communities die from an apathy, born of the conditions of modernism. We create false idols- consumerism, money, wealth, greed, and power. And those that note these aflictions in society are cast off as societal lepers- label them communists, liberals, hippies. Anything, to devalue their observations and maintain the "norms" of society.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.

So yeah....

So.....a lot of stuff has happened since the last post...so let me summarize...

India......learning Hindi.......Chennai........Texas....Blacksburg.

Ok, now you are up to date.

And now for the future

PhD.....German........hell of a lot of classes.........weekend escapes from Blacksburg.......saving the world.

The End.

And let it be known that the only reason I updated was because I was feeling lazy....for not doing so. and wanted to not do schoolwork.