Too much energy expensed....

I really sometimes don't want to care so much, push, and expect better things. It can be quite frustrating to think that your level of expectation for what want and what you feel your deserve might be too high??

Either you want to be with me or not- so you better start acting like the former or at least tell me the latter.

Life's Delete Button

....friend....I agree with you. I wish life had a delete button too- especially if that meant we could go back to normal and not have to avoid each other, and have that uncomfortable twinge of the awkward, of the things that we dare not say....for saying would be like ripping off a scab or unplugging a leak in a dam......

Hmmmm

I need to start posting in this thing more----story time! :)

Miscommunication

Some people need to realize that the hateful words they say one day, will come around and bite them hard in the ass.....or ballsack.

There just are some days where I feel like I waste my time on some people....and I don't mean acquaintances or casual friends- I mean people who are supposed to mean the most to me. It is one thing to be busy with work and all that, I understand, but it is a totally different thing to have that get in the way of your life- and essentially make you a non-factor- and sometimes that is how I feel. You have become a non-factor. I just talk to you at the end of the day and even at that- I somehow feel it is forced, not sincere. And that feeling is further reinforced when you talk to others more at ease and for a longer time than you do with me.......

.....what to do about you my non-factor.

Been a while- but one thing that amuses me today- people who will rip apart a sport that they do not like, and then the next day become ardent supporters of that same sport.....

....hmm...

Love and...

Call me a blasphemer or whatever- but I'm really starting to doubt this social institution we call Marriage- why do you have to get married? I mean, to be honest, its just signing a document and saying yep- we are legal recognized as a unit. So why do you have to have a paper to say that? Now, I know that this view is not shared by my partner, but damnit. This is what I think.

On another note- I also get deathly afraid of losing the independence and freedom I have now- it's almost as if people buy into the social construction of marriage and "change" after they get married (ok, I can think of a few cases where this isn't true...but those are far and few between). Previously independent women get married- and fall into the mold of the wife- the stereotypical role, I must add.  And of course, things aren't made easier when all the people around you are getting married............bah- why?

My Bad Habit....

I am decided that my worst habit is that I do not hide the mood I'm in....... I have decided that this is a bad thing to others, not necessarily myself.

Also, on a side note, there is a point at which I get frustrated with adjusting and adjusting and making changes- how far do you bend and mold a person until they break...and I can tell you, in my resistance to breaking- I crack open- I vent my frustrations....and then realize that I'm not getting sympathy....

on the verge...

do you ever have the feeling that you are on the verge of something, but not sure what? I have this odd twitch, itch, twinge that just keeps telling me something is about to happen but I'm clueless as to what....

What a way to start a Phd!!

Well, I'm sitting in the Syracuse airport ready to go home. And I"m ready to go home....

BUT with that said, I have had an amazing time in Syracuse, met some amazing friends- who are as close to me as family- and have met someone amazing- and I've learned many lessons- if you have to convince yourself about something- it's not worth it- PhD is a process, and you have to be patient- you will always have roadblocks to what you want to achieve- how badly you want to achieve something is determined by how hard you want to work to reduce those obstacles. 

Well- those are my thoughts for now- heading on the plane in about 20 minutes- more reflection might come- but really- I am at a good place in life and could't feel any more happy and content with things :)

 

Yes, I am alive--

more than alive- i've been too busy living life (as a human and as a phd student) to update- this is my obligatory "I haven't forgotten about this blog" post :)

Insomniacic* Ramblings

One Question: Are we just prolonging the inevitable collapse of our economic system? Passing the buck to the Next (my) generation? 

Unfortunately, I do believe that we are just prolonging the inevitable depression that will come. There is a need to revolutionize our economy- and politics. Our economy has followed the path of endless accumulation for too long- endless accumulation without real fiscal assets to back it up. We trade in credit and debt. All we need now is China to call us on our debt.

What I would not give to sit in the public gallery when Congress is in session, and harangue our lawmakers for their petty childishness: "STOP BLAMING EACH OTHER- YOU ARE BOTH TO BLAME!!! And then be arrested for not maintaining decorum. At least I would have a clear conscience. And of course, the alternative is to write a letter to my senator/rep- but I know how that will end up- opened by an intern, read, and filed, with a standard return: "The Senator appreciates your letter of concern..." This is OUR democracy, excuse me, Republic- paying lip service to make you FEEL as if your voice/opinion can make a difference or change. But what should I have expected- our Founding Fathers created this political system to prevent the tyranny of the majority- aka the unlanded masses- to favor the (tyranny) of the minority- wealthy, landed gentry. 

So as you can tell- I'm frustrated- the economic situation we are in now has had its symptoms since 1999- what we did not learn is that you cannot base value and worth upon intangible items/goods/consumables/commodities- dot.coms (in that case), credit (today).

Screw this, I'm moving to Canada.

On another note- if he can't be president, can we at least make Ron Paul some kind of economic advisor?? (Yeah, I know its from Fox News, but Ron Paul wasn't really interviewed by too many people) 

And here Ron Paul schools Bernanke- now I can't say I agree with Austrian Economics- well, maybe in Domestic affairs, but it is a system that requires COMPLETE free markets- which, as seen from history, is not possible.

*Yes, I did make up my own word- ha.

Ramadan

Today marks the first day of Ramadan, and I have made the decision to observe- as a way to learn more (through experience (There is only so much you can read from books....)) about Islam and as a sign of solidarity, but also a way to re-center myself spiritually. 

Just in one day's time of fasting - I feel a greater awareness about my conduct in the world and my conduct with others. The whole month of Ramadan is a time of greater reflection and prayer- and certainly- I feel those effects.

When I feel hungry- I begin to think of those who go hungry for days on a normal basis. About the current food crisis we have, the environmental destruction of corporate farming, and the human cost of the same.

When I feel thirsty- I remember those who have to walk miles each day to procure the water they need for their daily meals, or stand in lines to have access to a clean drinking source, or even those who are forced to drink water that is inadequate.

And when I feel the temptation to break the fast- I realize how weak I am, vain, and selfish. That God provides the strength, will, and compassion that I need. I also think about the times I have been too headstrong, stubborn, prideful.... And realize that all that I have is because of God.

Ramadan Kareem !

Damn you Derrida!

You know you might be a little out of touch with the thought processes of other people when, in the course of writing the curriculum for a women's leadership conference- with a section entitled "How and When to Challenge the Culture" you want to write about postmodern feminism and deconstruction. 

Damn you Derrida!!

Random Thoughts When Waiting for my Laundry to get Done

* I'm anxious for school to start- I feel my brain has rotted over the summer.
* I'm scared about starting over- new place, new school, new degree
* I'm excited about this new opportuity.
* I'm worried I might get sick by the beginning of classes (boo!)
* I'm wondering what this random smell is- it smells like something mechanical/burning.
* I'm having a splitting headache- I hope it's not allergies.
* I'm going to be the uncouth person to hoard free food for the next week.
* I have a lot of stuff to do.
* Will I get paid in time to pay my rent?
* When am I getting that refund check......?
*Why is my laundry taking so bloody long...?
*SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

THE CHRONICLES OF THE GREAT MIGRATION NORTH- The story of a Misplaced Texan

When I first moved to Virginia, I thought, hey, no problem, Virginia is still in the south- I could still get sweet tea and Dr. Pepper, but the friendliness of Texas just was not matched. So now, here I am in New York.

The drive up from D.C. was gorgeous, but, I realized what a change this would be for me when I crossed the proverbial Mason-Dixon line between Maryland ad Pennsylvania. I have to admit, I shed a few tears. Good bye my beloved Sunny South. Hello dreary winters and God knows what else- the North.

On the way up, I stopped for a 30 minute tour of Gettysburg- after getting lost- so that put me a bit behind, but it was still nice to go and see Seminary Ridge, where my great great great grandfather got shot (wounded). Again, making me realize how deep my roots in the south go- he was a Confederate soldier with the 8th Louisiana.

But I kid- I really am not that hardcore of a Southerner- I just realize that this move to Syracuse might be even more of a culture shock than the move to Blacksburg, VA. I have yet to see- I have my TA orientation today. (woo………) On the up-side- there will be free food- and I might even be the uncouth person that brings tupper ware (hey! I have no food at home yet and still have to figure out where the grocery store is!)

More chronicles in my journey will follow later. For now, enjoy installment one. (And also, better internet connection that I am not having to steal....God willing....)

Two Years

I am approaching my two year mark here in Blacksburg, and as I do, I also approach the end of my time here. I have to say that there was a part of me that was going to miss it here- but then again, there are parts of me that are realizing that I am really outgrowing this place.

For the first year I was here, I mostly spent it missing home and my friends back in Texas. Yet, I met some of the most amazing people I know. It was a hard first year- between really moving far from the familiar, leaving behind people who really knew and understood me- and starting a relationship that in retrospect, proved to be a cause for so much of my poor reflection on Blacksburg and Virginia Tech.

During my second year here, I really made a bond with the people in my program and came to realize who my real friends here were- those who knew me best- and did not judge me for my inadequacies. I feel that my second year at Tech was a bit of a liberation for me and a slow reassertion of who I was. April 11, 2008 was a bit of a D-Day of sorts and a culmination of that reassertion- and taking back of my own life, after so much emotional and psychological abuse.

This summer has perhaps been the best time I have had here in Blacksburg- the slower pace, the ability to hang out and meet with more friends- has certainly been a nice change of pace. And of course- finding out what it really means to be appreciated and cared for also helps brighten the days all that much more. :)

My time at Virginia Tech has definitely been a learning experience. At this time last year, I don't think I realized this (actually, I distinctly remember crying about the fact I was coming back to Blacksburg.....). Lessons to carry on in life- and into my new beginnings in Syracuse.

:)

It is true what they say- always keep your mind and heart open- because you don't know what will happen if you do- and take a chance.... :)

Blood Runs Cold

I have never experienced what it feels like for your blood to run cold- except when I have been scared out of my wits- until tonight. This time, it was a sensation that stayed with me and didn't leave- it pierced down to my bones and knawed at my marrow. It made my heart thud against my sternum and left me short of breath- it made me feel alone- yet calloused.

...and please note I did not congratulate you- there is nothing to congratulate when all you did is roll over and play dead.

The Feminist Male

I truly have a respect for men who are not ashamed to make the claim that they are feminist. But then there are those that may not necessarily claim to be feminists, but claim to be progressive thinkers on women's issues- and prove to be anything but.

In my mind- they are public enemy number one for all women. They are men who claim to respect women, yet throw them away with each day's trash. They are the ones that claim to break the patriarchical structure, yet saddle women with the yoke of that oppression.

I am not saying that there cannot be feminist males, but rather, an understanding of what is means to be "progressive" on women's issues- what does it mean to have the lived experience of being a women- and understanding that there is a diversity of women's experiences and how they interpret and interact with their perceptions of reality.